Did someone get me a subscription for my birthday?

Where did this come from?

Oh well, let's have a look anyway.

Jordan - Pinup girl of the decade?? Germs! Ick! I mean, OK, she gained a bit of kudos from I'm a celebrity... but really, keep your kit on luv.

Euro 2004 special: One problem, I don't watch footy. I did watch the England games, once because I'd lost the remote and once because Allison wanted to watch it. I'd rather be watching videos, or listening to the radio.

All the pictures are either daubed with faux childlike doodles or have stupid speech bubbles that would do Viz proud.

The Hedonists Notebook looks promising, but isn't. Beer fridges rated on how patriotically they're decorated? A Troy review which starts "Before the Simpsons there was another fella called Homer"? Run. Run now, screaming.

The most entertaining thing about my shiny new promotional free copy of LOADED is the self-conscious digs at "herberts" who they know damn well make up their main readership.

Bearing that in mind, I think I'll just slope off to JJB Sports for my shellsuit and a Burberry baseball cap so I can buy the next issue without being laughed at...

Or not.