I hate half-term.

Don't know why but our kids seem to be allergic to the garden. I have to scream and threaten them to run out and play with the wendy house, slide, trikes and kiddie patio set we've got out there. There's barely room for us to move out there, barely room for our grownups patio set, no room at all to test-run the six-man tent I want to buy.

But they won't go out. They'll play all the mad, TV-smashing games you like inside the house, they'll run up and down the stairs and wreck their rooms, they'll sit and watch thirteen hours of FUCKING Cbeebies, but asking them to go and play outside is like asking them to gnaw their own legs off.

What did I do to deserve a pair of fresh air phobic kids, eh? Just now, one of them told me they wouldn't go out because they're scared of bees and wasps, so I dutifully lit a massive garden sized citronella jostick. It seems the only solution is for me to sit outside with them, bored out of my mind, unable to hear the phone ring, do essential business stuff on the computer, or shift from my position without two bloody shadows on my heels. If I want a drink, two kids follow me to the sink. If I want the loo, I have to negotiate some privacy with two stalkers. If I want to write a blog entry, or do some washing, I have to do it over the shoulders of two bouncing kids. It's not like they don't know how to leave me alone. They both spend more than half their time at school or nursery, playing with their friends, on their own. So why not do it here?

It's not as if we don't give them enough of our own time. I spend almost every waking hour (average 20 per day) playing with them or doing things with them. My only times off are shopping trips or the small hours of sleep I snatch (two and a half hours today, which is about average). Apart from that, I have to be on call for everything. I'm a dad firstly and foremost from 7.30 every morning until - potentially - 4.30 the next morning. I have three hours a day to fit in relaxation and sleep.

Yep, I'm feeling a little put-upon today. Thanks for listening (or, judging by the sluggish pace of the hit-counter, staying away in your thousands).

Quick quiz:

Which Recent ex-blogger is flashing his bald spot at Birmingham's Gay Pride march over the weekend?

Tip 143:

Telling each other dirty jokes not only gets you into the right mood, but also loosens the atmosphere. Sex should not be a serious obligation!

No, no no no. Ladies, screaming with hysterical laughter whenever we take our clothes off is not funny. And "Where's the rest of it?" does not count as a joke, OK!

I'm watching people sleep on TV. It's fascinating stuff, no really...

OK, it's about as boring and pointless as telly can get. Only "The Fishtank Channel" can boast more pointlessness.

But it's Big Brother, the big experiment. Shove thirteen people in a goldfish bowl, albeit a plush "Ooh I want it" goldfish bowl and see what happens. What seems to be happening this time is that they're going to rip each other apart.

This year they've excelled themselves on the cliche factor:

- A gay tory speechwriter who was, apparently, the first black huntsmaster in Britain - What a coup for Endemol! He's almost guaranteed to clash with absolutely anyone who didn't go to Eton or Oxbridge.

- Not one but two gay hairdressers, which means it's pretty tough on the girls shag-wise, but at least they get a good haircut instead of the usual scalping that tends to go on towards week eight and people get sick of looking after it, or run out of shampoo. And of course, gay hairdressers are the biggest bitches on the planet, aren't they?

- The chav and the Italian Stallion. And of course, the chav fancies himself far more than the Italian, and has to date, yes two days in, has managed to piss everyone off at least twice. Nice going pal.

- The gobby but braindead big-titted one. OK, they seem to have about five of these this year, the notable exception being my immediate favourite:


Scary Mary the "white Witch"

Who at least had the decency to have a full on panic attack for her first 24 hours in the house - which, lets face it, is how any one of us would react when they realised what a bunch of freaks and tossers they'd been locked up with, and who was the only one to get a "Oh, she's nice" out of me, despite the pneumatic PVC nurse, the excessively cleavaged afro chick, the self-proclaimed nympho student and the...erm...other ones.

I mashed my little finger against something while I was moving furniture in order to put our new carpet down and it still isn't right.

Must've done more to it than I thought. Ah well, at least it's not an important one.

I've always said that kids are the best insulters. The verbal sparring they do is inspiring to hear when they're trying to out-slag each other. I got loads of it in school and finally achieved the position where it becames water off a duck's back, which is a position I know lots of people would give good money to reach.

So anyway, some graffiti I saw a few days ago really tickled me:

"I shagged your mum so hard she had a baby the same day"

Inspired!

In just a few hours, the best TV screensaver begins.

Oh yes, the dubius joy of watching strangers sleeping is mine for the next three months because, dear reader, tonight is the first night of Big Brother 6. I'll be watching, not because of any enduring love for the format, but for the novelty of having a new channel to watch.

Oh, and there's sod all on anywhere else and I'm too bloody hot to watch anything that requires thought.

Tip 141:

Chocolate is one of the sweetest aphrodisiacs, particularly in combination with body painting. Try spreading your partners' body with chocolate syrup and then licking off every last trace.

Of course, there's alternatives you could use - Whipped cream, ice cream, fruit, maple sauce. Not chilli.

A quick list, gratuitously stolen from Katya.

Total volume of music files on my computer?

As I put the 4.5 gigs of Christmas music onto DVDr, I have a respectable 24 gigs, 6194 files.

The last CD I bought was?

Antbox, the Adam Ant boxset (well, duh) for Charlie at Christmas. It's not that we download instead of buying CD's, we don't do either at the moment. Apart from a couple of blues CD's, there's nothing that really floats our boat enough to spend money on it.

Song playing right now?

"You get what you give", New Radicals.

Five songs I listen to a lot or that mean a lot to me

1. "Summertime" by Miles Davis. Those opening three beautiful notes hits me like a crystal dagger to the heart. Absolutely beautiful.

2. "She Makes My Day" by Robert Palmer. My song to Charlie, listen to the words.

3. "Sunshine of your love" by Creme. Ohhhhh my god, what a great song. The pinnacle of Clapton's godliness. Ba da da da dum du du du do duuuu dum...

4. "Blind" by Korn/"Walk" by Pantera/"Chaos AD" by Sepultura/"Bullet in the Head" by Rage Against The Machine. The songs, played back to back at Edwards No.8 nightclub, which would be guaranteed to have me dancing like a freak then collapsing with exhaustion. If they play that lot, you know it's a good night.

5. "Spiralling" by Erasure. It's 1986, we're sitting in my first girlfriend's bedroom, snogging to "The Circus". Halcyon days.

Oh no! The dreaded Pox!

Poor thing is dozing next to me right now, busily breaking out in spots. Time to dig out the paracetamol syrup and calamine lotion. Luckily the rest of us have already had Chickenpox.

She's going to have a right old time of it, it's half term next week and suddenly she's got to be kept in. Poor baby.

Ah well, out with the rich tea and sympathy...

Are you going to get your National ID card? Not if you're black, over 59 or if you have fat fingers. You can't help but laugh, can you?

Tip 140:

Small injuries can easily occur during anal sex, so it is a good idea to always use a lubricant and be careful.

And remember, "Ouch" is not always universal code for "harder"

Had a case of the CBA's yesterday, but if I'm given 20 minutes off from having little tennis balls batted at me, there's a few things to talk about today:

- Gordon Ramsey tricking vegetarian into eating cheese & ham pizza
- Three sisters who got pregnant at 12, 15 and 16 and their mum, the Lizzie Bardsley wannabe.
- Two Star Wars fans injured in lightsabre duel (It's OK, Mark and Graham are fine)
- Bruce Soup gets Disney HK into hot water.

And of course, the Sex tip of the day.

Watch this space, I have to defend myself now.

Despite saying I don't want to hear anything about him again, I thought I'd just mention something about "Respect" MP George Galloway that I found out today.

Flushed - and buoyed - by his success against the US Senate this week, he's abandoning the constituency he was so grateful to for electing him just 17 days ago to go on a lecture tour of Ivy League Universities, at $5000 a pop.

Nice work if you can get it.

Have to say, it does show great respect for his voting public, swanning off for months at a time. Wonder how many people in Bethnal Green & Bow feel respected by their AWOL MP.

: : Project "Birthday Blowout" : :
: : Deadline : :
: : 21d-10h-55m : :
: : Target Acquired : :

Tip 139:

Women who experience penetration as uncomfortable due to a lack of moisture in the vagina should make sure they use a lubricant.
If you use condoms as a form of birth control or protection against sexually transmitted diseases, a lubricated condom may be a good solution.

Grafitti on Condom Machine: "Prevents syphillis, AIDS and maintenance payments"

It's been a while since I did a list, so I thought I'd take a few topics from "Daydreaming on Paper"

List 10 amusements that never fail to amuse.

1) Quake 3
2) Shopping in posh shops wearing grungy and/or abusive clothes, trying to spot the revulsion on shop assistant's faces, then spending hundreds of pounds.
3) "I'm sorry I haven't a clue"
4) Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy (the TV series or Novels)
5) Watching Tony Blair "get angry"
6) Cannon Hill Nature Centre
7) Garfield
8) A Jazz concert
9) Being in bed with Charlie
10) Being on Holiday

The world is your audience. List the ten things you want to talk about.

1) America's debt of care to the rest of the world
2) Corrupt Third World governments
3) What the hell really happened a) At Roswell and b) When JFK got shot
4) Public readings from the Vatican Secret Library
5) Multinational corporations, death quads and fashion nazis
6) Why do people like Manga?
7) What is it about Manchester United?
8) Israel/Palestine: "You've destroyed your country, you fucking twats" Discuss.
9) Africa: "Do you realise if you just stopped fighting, you'd be rich?"
10) Cuba: "Give them a break, Castro's nearly dead"

List 10 foods or dishes that you never tire of eating.

1) My chicken stir-fry
2) Yung Chow fried rice
3) Treacle tart
4) Apple Crumble
5) Bangers and mash (but only when done by someone else)
6) Bacon butties
7) Toast
8) McDaddy burgers: Quarter pounder, bacon, cocktail sausages, fried cherry tomatoes, thick sliced button mushrooms, all held in a tower by thick melted cheese and topped by tomato relish. In a bun.
9) Crispy, rustic, thin crust Hawaiian pizza
10) Samosas

List 10 words that you like.

1) Yes
2) Wibble
3) Holiday
4) Harder
5) Bedtime
6) Serendipity
7) I'll
8) Cook
9) Tonight
10) Darling

Ten moments in time would you have most liked to witness?

1) Building of the Pyramids
2) Building of Stonehenge
3) Erecting of the stone heads on Easter Island
4) The extinction of the Dinosaurs
5) The assassination of JFK
6) First episode of Dr Who
7) The Birth of Jesus
8) Recording of the first Live Aid single
9) Princess Di's crash
10) Groom Lake, 2nd July 1947

List ten celebrities about whom you do not want to hear another word.

1) The Beckhams
2) George Bush
3) Michael Jackson
4) The Hamiltons
5) Abi Titmuss
6) Paris Hilton
7) George Galloway (OK, so this is stretching "celebrity")
8) Jennifer Lopez
9) George Lucas
10) The Crazy Frog

What one place would you visit if you had unlimited time and money.

Betelgeuse, or Europa (one of Jupiter's moons, covered with ice and most likely place in the solar system to hold life)

Are you a matte person or a shiny person? Why?

Matte, shiny's such hard work for such little payoff.

When I turn 50, I plan to be _____________ .

Running a successful outdoor pursuits centre.

What gives you the warm fuzzies?

Cuddling Charlie

Did you have an allowance as a child? If so, how much was it? What did you spend it on?

Every Saturday we'd go to Bromsgrove. I'd get 50p, my sister would get 30p to spend on sweets in George's Sweet Shop at the top of the village. He had the biggest collection of penny sweets I've ever seen, Star Wars toys, a bulging bookshop in the back and a paralysed arm. We loved George.

Of the three - mind, body, soul - which do you prefer? Which do you think is most important?

Prefer: Mind
Most Important: Soul

Do you prefer print media or digital media? Why?

Digital - costs less, more variety, if you save it to read later, you don't risk it getting ripped to shreds by the rabbit, the dog or the kids.

The first thing I thought when I opened my eyes this morning was ___________.

Oh god, you can't be up this early! What's the time...? Bloody child...

Nothing in the world can make me believe ________ .

America isn't headed towards open Imperialism.

Today, I are bin mostly fitting carpet.

Which means I have to shift the three-piece, and therefore reveal the six months of detritus that's congregated underneath and behind said furniture.

Oh. My. Fucking. God.

I swear there's not enough room for all this shit! It's like packing for a holiday. Everything fits in the suitcase when you set off, but come time to leave, it's magically grown to twice the size and there's no way on earth that case is gonna close.

I'm sitting here staring at the most disgusting, daunting pile of crap ever. It's a foot high and at least five feet across and it consists of things you wouldn't want to touch in a million years.

There's cutlery, crockery, watches, money (I'll give you a total later), deckchairs - oh yes, deckchairs - artwork from school, half eaten things (I can't and don't want to work out what they are), there's crisp packets - full and empty and every stage inbetween, there's cups, jugs, boxes, paper, bottles, magazines, books and things that I can't even work out what they are.

I think, once the new carpet's down, we're going to have to have a long family conference about where rubbish actually goes.

See you on the other side.

Tip 138:

Everywhere that your partner is ticklish is also a spot where he or she is highly sensetive. It's worth locating these areas for a particularly intensive and pleasurable erogenous massage. Be sure to check out foot soles and armpits, navel and hollows of the knees.

If I tried tickling the soles of Charlie's feet, I'd get a pleasurable, erogenous kick in the mouth.

Yes, I watched it.

No, I didn't pay.

Yes, it's the best out of eps 1 - 3, but that's not saying much.

No, I don't have time to review it properly yet. In quarter of an hour, I have to leave the house.

What I will say is that what little good there was in this film is totally and utterly drowned by the CGI and the lamentable script.

Imagine if one day we discovered that Michealangelo had decorated the roof of the sistine chapel with stick-on pieces. That's what watching ROTS is like. It has the look, the surface sheen of a work of absolute mastery of the art of moviemaking, but when you peel away the surface you realise that you're actually looking at one big readymade jigsaw, something that anyone with the right computer can produce.

During my time at Church, one of my friends was an elderly piano tuner. A master of his art. during one conversation we had, he complained that he didn't like the new, electronic keyboard the Church had bought for a small music group I played with. We agreed that the reason he didn't like it was the false nature of the sound. It wasn't made by a hammer striking high tensile wires, but by a microchip. There was no soul to the music, he said.

Star Wars: The Phantom Menace, Star Wars: Attack of the Clones and Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith have no soul.

Actually, I think I'll let it rest there. That is my review of ROTS.

I got the gig!

Come September, or maybe a little sooner, I will be a part-time HTML lecturer. Oh yes.

In the meantime, I have to become more than competent in Java, Frontpage and Dreamweaver. No mean feat, but perhaps, with the help of several "idiots Guides" I'll be up to the challenge.

Only problem is, I don't think I get paid for it, so I'm back to trying to find someone who'll actually pay me a living wage. I still need £150 a week to break even, but now things are getting frantic, with deadlines looming all over the place. I still don't know if we'll cope, but if just one thing goes right in my grand scheme, the rest of my plans will fall into place like a line of dominoes.

Until then, more sleepless nights number crunching, more gnawing fingernails wondering when that first domino will topple and more hoping that someone, just one person will give me an even break.

I've had it with working in pubs. I've worked in every good pub between here and Town - and a handful of the bad pubs and I can't be doing with that anymore. Also, the plain fact is that I just can't make any money out of pub work if I want to see anything of my family. Truth is, I could easily walk into an Assistant Manager's job, work 16 hours a day and have my name over the door in 18 months' time but I always said I wouldn't sell my soul for a job and somethng happened today while I wasn't here that meant I'm more certain than I was before that Charlie isn't ready to take on the responsibility she needs to. I could go for it and run any pub I wanted, but the price would be my family and that's way too high a price for far too little payout.

What I'm looking for is a simple, challenging, averagely powerful position that I can settle into and plug away at with no overspill into my social life. Tech support might be an option. I'm told schools are crying out for competent IT Support chaps, so that is going to be something I start looking into next week.

I still haven't put my stuff on Ebay, which is very slack of me. I've got three gigs of stuff downloading right now, which should be finished tomorrow evening, so I'll probably get it done then, in time to start the auctions around Saturday lunchtime. That should pay the deposit on the Holiday.

My targets for the year break down something like this: I need £3000 to put the Beast on the road and learn to drive, £3000 to clear all the debts we have completely and start the next financial year with a completely clean slate and something like £3000 to cover all the other little things like Holiday spending money, Birthdays, Christmas and all the little expenses that get littered throughout a normal year.

I'm so tempted to put a Paypal button somewhere, but begging ain't my style. I know this year is going to be hard graft, but the payoff is that next year we'll be £4000 better off, I don't have to work so hard, and we'll be a massive way further on towards my ultimate goal.

Of course things will go wrong, there'll be setbacks, but the way things are planned, that shouldn't be a problem. I'm good at dealing with eventualities, so once that single first step into a £10,000pa job is achieved, we'll be sailing.

I've overcome one problem today. I've now got some precious hardcopies of my CV (resume in yank speak), which is something that's been holding me back. Now I can hit the photocopier in the shop up the road and build up a big enough supply to mailshot a few places. I just need covering letters and the Yellow Pages. That again is something for next week.

Saturday is gonna be a bitch. I have to clear out the Living Room and lay some new carpet. If you could see the shit that's hiding behind the sofa right now, you'd appreciate what a mammoth task that actually is. But once that's done the rest should be child's play.

So anyway, that's the story of my mundane little life. A little stream of consciousness outpouring early on a Friday morning. Now I have to put the rubbish out, relight the Central Heating boiler and put some clothes on to wash. Then, maybe 5:30 this morning, I might be able to get my head down for a couple of hour's sleep before the school run and a day of grocery shopping.

God, I wish I had an interesting life...

Tip 137:

Many men and women find it particularly arousing to receive light spanks on the buttocks while making love.

Agreeing on the definition of the word "light" may be useful before trying this...No, put the cricket bat down...please...

A bit of media news for you:

"We've only got a finite amount of room on our playlists and we chose songs we think our audience are interested in. Geri's isn't one we'll be adding."

Ooh, that's harsh!

Kelsey Grammar is to join the cast of "X-Men 3", playing the part of a new mutant - Leather Elbowed Cardieman.

Also, there's something happening at the cinema today apparently, but I couldn't find out anything about it. If you can help me out, please leave a comment below.

"It's alright your honour, I was doing 160 down the motorway because it's a new car and I'm really good at driving"

If you're a Police officer, apparently a good excuse and reason enough to drop all charges.

I wonder how different the outcome would have been if he was 18 and black.

Tip 136:

In positions where your hands are free, hold your partners buttocks and exert pressure, alternating between a firm and a soft touch, for additional stimulation.

In positions where your hands aren't free, have a friend do it for you.

So, Star Wars ROTS comes out tomorrow.

I won't be getting a ticket. I have no interest in swelling George Lucas's pension fund.

I stopped being a fan a while ago now, grew up playing with the toys - I had a Millenium Falcon, a landspeeder, an X-Wing, loads of figures. Always wanted the Snowspeeder.

I lost count of how many times I've watched Ep 4 when I got to 32 times. It used to be a daily event, come home for lunch, wag Games in the afternoon, stick my copy of "A New Hope" in the Betamax - the original, taped off ITV the first time it came on TV, Christmas Day, 3pm 1982. I even spent some of my Holiday spending money on a box that looked like a book to keep it in. It was still working twenty years later while I watched it in my first flat.

Every second of the film is ingrained in my memory, even the faults in the recording - when Dad pressed "stop" instead of "pause" at the first break, when the tape distorts slightly during the lineup outside the Jawa's sandcrawler. It is, it was an integral part of my youth.

I've watched The Empire Strikes Back just as much, every part of it is etched on my memory but there's not the emotional attachment there, nor with Return of the Jedi.

They were continuations of the great epic, addenda. And when we saw Anakin (the old man), Yoda and Obi Wan embrace in an Ewok village that was the end. Yes, there was backstory. It was hinted at in the novels - quotes from fictional history books at the front of the novels, but that's all it was, mythos.

Episodes 1-3 are just plain wrong. The story wrote itself thirty years ago. What Lucas has done is pick two cliffhanger moments, fill in the non-plot moments with fanwank and cameos of comic strip characters, cover the vapid dialogue with eyewatering FX and groundbreaking techniques and call them movies.

They're not movies, they're cartoons. Yep, best looking cartoons in the world, but cartoons all the same. And there's the thing. They look wonderful, but knowing that most of the filming was done infront of green screens and that 99% of the work was done in post-production spoils it for me. There's noting real about it. Everything you see has been drawn by people. There's no atmospheric canyons with little droids trundling down them, no icy wastelands, no dense, atmospheric forest, just paintings, CGI vistas and cityscapes. Luke's house exists. Out there in the Moroccan desert is Luke's house. Where can you go to walk through the forests of Naboo? Can you walk down a Coruscant street?

There was something real about Star Wars, something that touched you. There's nothing real about Phantom Menace, Send in the Clones or ROTS. They're cartoons, they're Lucas's retirement fund, they're a poor excuse for a fanflick wrapped up in the kind of CGI that money can't buy.

And he ain't getting my money, the same way Bill Gates ain't.

Tip 135:

Stimulation of the anus with a finger while making love can be a very erogenous supplement for her and for him.

...if you don't want to peel them off the ceiling, probably best to let them know before the first time.

I've had loads of hits today because I'm apparently top of the heap when searching google for a spoof video of "Show me the way to Amarillo" made by Staff Sgt Roger Parr of the Royal Dragoon Guards, while they were stationed at Al Faw.

I've found a Bittorrent link to the complete video here. You need to sign up before you can download it and you need the bittorrent software (links to software sites here), but there it is folks, the full version!

:: Edit ::

I did post a direct link to the video, but my modem just isn't up to the job so I regretfully had to take the link down. The torrent's the best way of getting it anyway.

I got an interview for a Teaching job!

OK, so it clashes with the school run, but it won't kill Charlie to do it once, and it's in a good cause.

Now I have to choose whether to go shopping for an hour or spend two hours inputting auction details into Turbo Lister.

I think the shops are gonna win that one, don't you?

Tip 134:

Try changing your position during penetration, for example, with a chair or a table.

Ack, cramp and splinters!

I hate say it about a friend, but I'm not yet sure if this is a diva-fit or something more sinister.

I'm watching my messenger buddy lists like a hawk though.

I am in DVD burning heaven today.

I've borrowed my Dad's DVD Rewriter and am in the middle of burining disk three of the fourteen or fifteen I've got lined up.

60 gigs free space! Oh the relief!

Best of all, I've finally got rid of the Linux-hating NTFS partition that's been bugging me for months.

And my foot's fine...And the sun's out...And the birds are singing...And the tidying up isn't going to take too long...

Everything is right with the world!










Can you smell burning?

Continuing adventures in Linuxland:

I have a USB ADSL modem which needs a special code sent to it before you can log onto the internet. This meant that every time I reboot, I have to log on as the system administrator and type in a couple of commands.

They're annoyingly difficult to remember, and much gnasing of teeth has been had when I've been out & about and Charlie's had to reboot for one reason or another because I have to relay the process to her blind.

Luckily that special code is automatically installed in the new copy of Linux I just spent three days downloading and an hour reinstalling, so now no-one has to do a damn thing, the internet is just there when you start the computer.

Result!

Now I just have to work out why it keeps crashing every time I use the file manager.

And I still haven't sorted out the TV-out on my graphics card.

And I still haven't put all my items on Ebay, which means the Holiday deposit isn't getting paid and the Phone bill is wayyyy overdue.

Ah life, why does it have to be such a rush?

Oh well, at least my foot isn't constant agony anymore...

Tip 133:

If you have a hard time communicating your sexual wishes to your partner, try writing them down at leisure, and invite your partner to do the same. Then exchange lists and sit down next to each other as you read them. This will easily lead to a conversation where you can speak openly. Perhaps you'e even been having the same fantasy...

"...but I was thinking more Caprice than Mo Mowlam"

The Motion Picture Association of America is now shutting down Bittorrent sites that concentrate on sharing TV shows, including my personal favourite bittorrent hangout BTEFNET.

I've already had a couple of visitors today looking for so-called Wildfeeds, which are the decoded satellite feeds sent from the central station to the outlying franchise stations.

So for those of you that come here looking for StarTrek Enterprise torrents, or maybe Desperate Housewives, or West Wing or anything else connected with Bittorrent, I've made a website which is full of links to current and closed bittorrent websites.

It's here: http://uk.geocities.com/psychedelicfunkemonkey

I might update it, or mark off the redundant ones if I have the time and inclination - and if Yahoo keeps letting me get away with publishing links to sites that the MPAA has prosecuted.

Until then, happy hunting.

The gout is finally subsiding. I know I keep going on about it, but it's a pretty big part of my life when it hits. It means that every waking minute is acute agony, right in the one place on my body where it's least tolerable - my ankle or toe.

So, I've spent three days scoffing Keral, by far my favourite Anti-inflammable. It takes a while to start working, and it's better if you eat at about the same time - better as in if you don't eat, it doesn't work.

Once the Keral's done its' job, I can go onto a preventative tablet - Allopurinol - one a night eevry day for the rest of my life. Is it worth it? A lifetime of popping pills for the reassurance that you won't wake up in screaming agony unable to walk even into the kitchen or to the loo?

It's a question I've been asking myself for a year, since I was first offered the preventative option. I don't want to be a pill-popper. I don't want to fill out the "Are you on any long-term medication" section on application forms and insurance documents. But I can't take the agony anymore. I seriously suggested amputation yesterday - by design or accident.

So yes, it's worth it. Yes it's a compromise and yes I'm glad to think I'll never worry about it again.

Tip 132:

Lovemaking on a waterbed is definitely worth a try. The wave-like movements of the surface is not only extremely comfortable, but also provides additional stimulation in response to your movements.

Not recommended for a quickie in stilettos.

Do you own a hooded top?
Do you live in Kent?
Yes?

Well don't go shopping here or this happy chap

will have you:

Apparently a bunch of kids tried beating up John Prescott, our cheery Deputy Prime Minister, on film. So now he's supporting a ban on hooded tops in a Kent Shopping Centre. He says that these items of clothing are a "uniform of intimidation" and shouldn't be allowed.

Sorry John, but I think this:

is a real uniform of intimidation.

According to the man himself, on a mailing list I subscribe to, David Feintuch, author of the wonderful Seafort Saga is writing again!

This is brilliant!

Not only had Steven Donaldson resurrected his Chronicles of Thomas Covenant, but Feintuch is writing the next Seafort book and there's a new Harry Potter book out in July. All my favourites, scant months away from new installments.

I'm happy now.

That sci-fi book I couldn't remember the name of?

Transit, by Edmund Cooper

An unchallenging novel about a frustrated painter who finds himself abducted by aliens, subjected to a few psychometric tests and dumped on a desert island with three other humans and four golden haired superbeing types.

Much jaw chewing and machismo ensues, including pumping bullets into the skull of a pygmy rhino with six legs, miscarriages, skirmishes with ray guns and bows and arrows and a pornography covered beach.

It's not a book to set the literary world alight, but for a nice bit of simple escapism, this is the one to read.

Tip 131:

Crouch down and guide your finger into the vagina. Then tense your pelvic floor muscle and feel the pressure on your finger. Then relax the muscle and tense it again.
Place a finger on your perineum while lying on your back. Then tense your pelvic floor muscle until the tip of your finger has been drawn into your vagina and relax it again in short intervals.

For added effect, do this on your coffee break.

Got a new mouse. Phew.

And the wonderful thing is that I just plugged it into the USB and it worked! Even on Linux, that doesn't like USB.

Nice one!

I did end up reinstalling yesterday. Took all of 30 minutes. I love Linux.

The reason I reinstalled is because I've been trying to get the TV-Out working on my graphics card, which is no mean feat. I installed the two drivers the cards' website told me to, rewrote the graphics configuration file and started the GUI.

Oops, no can do.

So I stripped out the error information from the logfile and asked around the Mandrake newsgroups. They informed me that there was yet ANOTHER driver to install, which I didn't have.

So I've been downloading the 4 gig set of six CD's which does, somewhere, have the file I want.

Started off by downloading disks 4,5 and 6 as I already have the first three disks.

Then I find out that the file I want is on Disk 3. A slightly different disk 3 to the one I own.

Bollocks.

So I'm downloading the bloody other three now.

The other day, I uncovered a present we were going to give to a friend one Christmas, but we either fell out with them or weren't planning on seeing them until the New Year, so we decided to keep it for ourselves.

It's a book called 365 Sex Tips.

So for giggles, I thought I'd share each day's tip with you, you lucky lucky readers, you.

Tip 130:

A woman's pelvic floor muscle ("Love Muscle") determines the circulation within her genitalia and thus her degree of sensation during sex. It should therefore be exercised! While urinating, you can stop the flow by tensing the love muscle; relaxation resumes the flow. This exercise is particularly useful when becoming consciously aware of your love muscle.

I can't believe I just used the phrase "Love Muscle"!
More tomorrow folks.

And this one's from Graham's blog:

1. You're stuck inside Fahrenheit 451, which book do you want to be?
Zen and the art of Motorcycle Maintenance.

2. Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?
Bernice Summerfield. Time traveller, Professor of Archaeology and professional Drunk.

3. The last book you bought is:
Dice Man - Luke Rheinhart

4. The last book you read:
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

5. What are you currently reading?
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Five points to anyone who spots a theme here.

6. Five books you would take to a desert island.
- Complete works of Shakespeare.
- The idiots guide to Desert Island survival.
- The book I read once that was about a group of humans who get abducted by aliens and placed on a desert island as an experiment, the name of which I've completely forgotten.
- The Complete Chronicles of Thomas Covenant
- Sorry, but it's gotta be Lord of the Rings - my old friend.

Shamelessly stolen from JustAgirl and Jane-y:

TEN Random Things About Me

10. I haven't had a bath for two years.
9. No, I don't smell thank you very much.
8. I flunked my 'A' levels because I was screwed up over finding out my ex-girlfriend had a kid.
7. I like James Bond theme songs, especially "Live and let Die".
6. Someone I went out with for four years is now a dinnerlady at my kid's school.
5. I've got gout again.
4. I'm reading Harry Potter again.
3. I didn't want kids until at least 35.
2. I've been thinking a lot about mental illness and death today.
1. I think I'm gonna have to reinstall my computer tonight.

NINE Places I've Visited

9. Filey
8. Harlech
7. London
6. The Isle of Wight
5. Bude
4. Tintagel
2. Milton Keynes
1. Mount Snowdon

EIGHT Things I Want To Do Before I Die

8. Visit New Zealand.
7. Be famous, or powerful, or stinking rich.
6. Do the Kerouac trail on a Harley.
5. Retire early to somewhere with a swimming pool.
4. Stay the weight I'm supposed to be.
3. Write a book.
2. Be invited onto the panel of Question Time.
1. Enjoy having two children.

SEVEN Ways To Win My Heart

7. Be true to yourself.
6. Don't play games.
5. Leave your emotional baggage at the door.
4. Love me right back.
3. Cook for me.
2. Buy me a drink.
1. Give me space to be myself.

SIX Things I Believe In

6. Sod's Law.
5. Ghosts
4. We're all responsible for our own actions and mustn't go around blaming everyone else.
3. Myself.
2. Have fun, harm no-one.
1. Reincarnation.

FIVE Things I'm Afraid Of

5. Alzheimers'.
4. Dementia.
3. Being trapped into a no-win situation.
2. Losing either the kids or Charlie.
1. Armed Police.

FOUR of My Favorite Items In My Bedroom

4. Leather hadcuffs.
3. The lovely warm quilt.
2. Charlie.
1. My library.

THREE Things I Do Everyday

3. Play with the kids.
2. Cook Dinner.
1. Download something.

TWO Things I Am Trying Not To Do Right Now

2. Make my gout worse.
1. Fall asleep.

ONE Person I Want To See Right Now

1. Charlie.

My nice USB mouse has packed up and I've had to revert to the old Winnie the Pooh two button job. God I miss my scroll wheel!

Well well well, Blunkett's back! Who knew?

Who won this one then, eh? Jeremy Paxman Vs George Galloway, last night:

JP: We're joined now from his count in Bethnal Green and Bow by George Galloway. Mr Galloway, are you proud of having got rid of one of the very few black women in Parliament?
GG: What a preposterous question. I know it's very late in the night, but wouldn't you be better starting by congratulating me for one of the most sensational election results in modern history?
JP: Are you proud of having got rid of one of the very few black women in Parliament?
GG: I'm not - Jeremy - move on to your next question.
JP: You're not answering that one?
GG: No because I don't believe that people get elected because of the colour of their skin. I believe people get elected because of their record and because of their policies. So move on to your next question.
JP: Are you proud -
GG: Because I've got a lot of people who want to speak to me.
JP: - You -
GG: If you ask that question again, I'm going, I warn you now.
JP: Don't try and threaten me Mr Galloway, please.
GG: You're the one who's trying to badger me.
JP: I'm not trying to badger you, I'm merely trying to ask if you're proud at having driven out of Parliament one of the very few black women there, a woman you accuse of having on her conscience 100,000 people.
GG: Oh well there's no doubt about that one. There's absolutely no doubt that all those New Labour MPs who voted for Mr Blair and Mr Bush's war have on their hands the blood of 100,000 people in Iraq, many of them British soldiers, many of them American soldiers, most of them Iraqis and that's a more important issue than the colour of her skin.
JP: Absolutely, because you then went on to say "including a lot of women who had blacker faces than her"
GG: Absolutely right, absolutely right. So don't try and tell me I should feel guilty about one of the most sensational election results in modern electoral history.
JP: I put it to you Mr Galloway that Nick Raynsford had you to a T when he said you were a "demagogue".
GG: Sorry?
JP: Nick Raynsford. You know who I mean? Nick Raynsford. Labour MP?
GG: No, I don't know who you mean.
JP: Never heard of him.
GG: I've never heard of Nick Raynsford, no.
JP: What else haven't you heard of?
GG: Well, I've been in Parliament a long time...
JP: He was a Parliamentary colleague of yours until very recently.
GG: Well, most of them just blend one into the other, Jeremy, they're largely a spineless, a supine bunch.
JP: Have you ever heard of Tony Banks?
GG: Yes I have, yes.
JP: Right, Tony Banks was sitting here five minutes ago, and he said that you were behaving inexcusably, that you had deliberately chosen to go to that part of London and to exploit the latent racial tensions there.
GG: You are actually conducting one of the most - even by your standards - one of the most absurd interviews I have ever participated in. I have just won an election. Can you find it within yourself to recognise that fact? To recognise the fact that the people of Bethnal Green and Bow chose me this evening. Why are you insulting them?
JP: I'm not insulting them, I'm not insulting you
GG: You are insulting them, they chose me just a few minutes ago. Can't you find it within yourself even to congratulate me on this victory?
JP: Congratulations, Mr Galloway.
GG: Thank you very much indeed. [Waves, removes microphone]

Just had an aww shucks moment.

Allison just asked if she could have Lasagne for dinner tomorrow. OK I says, do you want one out of the freezer, or one I made myself.

"One you made. I love your Lasagne, dad"

Chuffed!

Channel 4 is set to stop charging for their digital channel E4, just in time for the start of Big Brother 6. Can't imagine how they decide on that particular schedule.

Sometimes it's a drag being right. Luckily no-one was hurt. Odd that it happened in Manhattan though. You'd think that security would be a little bit stronger outside a foreign consulate. You'd think that security would be stronger mere yards from Ground Zero.

So why not blow something up over here? Oh, I know why. It's because our fascist pig police nutters are stopping everyone they can grab hold of and searching their bags in a blatant and illegal breach of our liberty and privacy.

Shame, ain't it? I wish to exercise my democratic right to get the shit blown out of me. I want to walk past bombsites on my way to the shops.

How inconsiderate and fascist can this government get? Blatantly refusing to allow its citizens to go about their daily business free from intervention or interruption. If I want to take a couple of pounds of semtex into my city centre and blow a building up, I think it's my democratic right to be allowed to do just that. And I don't think the Police should have all these stop and search powers, or the power to arrest me, or covertly follow me until I led them to the guy I bought it off.

In America, people would take what I've just written seriously.

In America, I could probably find a lawyer or support group that would help me stand up for the right to blow things up.

That is why the British Consulate in New York just got its front blown off.

Election today, then.

Michael Howard's battlebus is off the road with an out-of-date tax disc. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but don't most people know that the election's just at the start of May? Haven't people known this, or suspected it for quite a long time?

So, when choosing a coach that's going to be on the road and potentially hundreds of miles from its base from March to May, why oh why choose a coach whose tax runs out just before the end?

"voter apathy" has been the watchword chez Hedgewitch. Oh, I care that there's an Election, I know its important and I know my vote counts* but I can't get interested in all this bruhaha.

As far as I'm concerned, it's a given that we're looking at corruption and incompetence. Iraq isn't dividing the country, but confusing it. The Tories know they can't win and are deciding to sling as much crap as possible. As Blair was desperate to say, "Shit sticks".

It seems that everyone's forgotten that the Lib Dems always stand back and let Labour and the Tories get on with it. Can't blame 'em.

The problem is that it's all being reported as if it's not a foregone conclusion, as if it's the most interesting thing that's happened in years. People will be sitting up all night, glued to Peter Snow's swingometer, vastly over-analysing every result, every exit poll, every morsel of information to breaking point.

But we know what's going to happen. Blair will return to No 10 (OK, No 11). Nothing will change. We'll be in for another five years (and as he's promised to resign after his next term, you can rest assured it'll be every day of five years) of the same old same old.

The only interest I've got is whether my prediction of the Tory slide into political obscurity takes place. It's the best chance in recent times, with a Thatcher frontbencher back in charge for the first time since John Major to bury them without trace.

Jeremy Vine focussed on the doorstepping activists yesterday on his Radio 2 show, and they all talked about how positive the feedback had been, how everyone they spoke to was going to vote for their party and everyone was mentioning the war.

Let's do an exercise: Imagine you're doing your shopping, or on lunch and up strides a flashing-eyed fool in a bad suit and a big yellow rosette. They ask you if you've got a minute and in a moment of weakness you say yes. Seconds later, you realise how stupid you've been and that your egg and bacon muffin from Benji's is getting cold. Activist No.1 asks you what you think are the most important issues are in this election. You come up with the first bullshit off the top of your head. Iraq. Blair's a lying shit. (is this the first thing on your mind because you actually believe it, or because it was the first thing on the news this morning?) Oh goody goes Activist No.1, did you know that a Labour government would do this shitty thing and that shitty thing and would you consider voting Lib Dem because they're going to do this nice thing and that good idea and the other badly costed crap. And you go, yes, OK then, byee.

Activist No.1 notches up another interested party, another potential vote. You're voting Monster Raving Loony Screaming Blancmange For All, but they're not to know that.

Have you noticed what's disappeared off the News Radar lately? Terrorist alerts. Have we heard anything about stepped up security during Election Day? Do we know Al Quaeda (who quite like disrupting major events) isn't planning anything? Is the person in the next booth wearing a semtex vest? Not so long ago, in another country, the chances were that the person in the next booth not only might well be wearing a semtex vest, but might well be holding a gun to your head. It could be that your vote was the last thing you ever do.

Funny thing is, the reason they were getting shot and blown up is the same reason we're not. Blair. Well, OK, Blair and Bush. Just lately 1500 dead kurds were dug up in Iraq. Victims of Saddam. So there's no WMD buried in the Iraqi desert. I think we know what is, though, don't we? How many hundreds of those mass graves will we never know about? How do the numbers compare? Have the Iraqi "insurgents" killed as many of our troops and each other as Saddam did yet? How many of them are actually Iraqis as opposed to foreign fundamentalists coming to Iraq to have a free pop at the Yanks? I'd love to go to Iraq and actually ask as many people as possible if they are actually happy Saddam's gone.

(Annoyingly, I can't find a gif that says "I don't fucking care what Bush says")

So, vote, don't vote, spoil your card or stand in the street complaining loudly about the state of the country. Sit up until dawn watching the coverage, only to find that you could have set the alarm for 6am and found out as much from the three minute hourly bulletin as from the last eight hours of Election coverage.

I will be voting Lib Dem because I will be voting just yards from the Rover plant. I will pay scant attention to the Results Coverage and will probably spend the evening surfing the Interweb and watching Desperate Housewives. I will also be sniffing and moaning because inexplicably, I've come down with bloody flu.

HATCHAAAA snuff Where's my Soothers?

*-bollocks does it.

It's Charlie's birthday at the end of the month and mine two weeks later.

She's planning to go out with the rest of her classmates for a meal and a booze-up.

I'll probably end up buying groceries and staying in for mine.

What am I, some kind of mug or something?

It might be time to re-earn my "oldest rocker in town" crown.

Every blog I read has done one of these now (some people have done more than one), so I guess I can't hold out any longer.

01. I can't imagine coming up with a whole hundred things to say about myself.
02. I'm watching Tikkabilla, tucked up under a duvet with my youngest child.
03. We need lots of money and I have no idea how to get it, but I'm doing my damndedest to make things happen.
04. I'm shitting myself about it, but can't let it show because Charlie's delicate enough at the best of times, and someone has to hod it together.
05. The first album I bought with my own money was Fine Young Cannibals because I fancied a girl at church who also bought it.
06. I think I once heard a dedication to me on a "Love Zone" radio show one Saturday night: "This is to XXXX in Longbridge, if you fancy me, let me know at Church tomorrow, love Lisa"
07. Lisa was lovely and two years older than me. I would have killed to go out with her.
08. The car wouldn't work the next morning and I couldn't get to Church. Gutted!
09. I never found out if it was her, or if any of the girls I knew back then fancied me, although I suspect some might.
10. I was wracked with self-imposed and completely unneccesary angst until the age of 23.
11. I've had sex with five females
12. One was 15, one was 16, one was part of a foursome, one was sheer desperation, one was an act of cynical domination.
13. Two were mistakes.
14. A man once whispered drunken sweet nothings down my ear in a club. I culdn't hear a word he was saying and took the unwise decision to just nod.
15. He then stuck his tongue down my ear.
16. I bolted and begged a cute bargirl to kiss me.
17. She didn't, although I think she wanted to.
18. I may be being concieted about that though.
19. Charlie picked up a stalker once at our favourite nightclub. I went and talked to him because I was very drunk.
20. I'm proud of how I handled myself that night and wish I had that kind of confidence when I'm not drunk.
21. I've been the subject of another couple's sexual fantasies.
22. I really don't want to be.
23. I've got "Never Mind The Bollocks" on CD and went to see The Pistols' "Filthy Lucre" tour...and I genuinely loved it, and I don't care how much of a cash-in it was because it was my only chance to see my almost-all-time favourite band live.
24. If it wasn't for flares and glam rock, I wish I could have been born ten years earlier.
25. McDonalds coffee makes me crap like it'll never stop.
26. I can't understand why people can't see the Tories dirty campaign for the desperate rush it actually is.
27. I genuinely think the Lib Dems will get in as the Official Opposition.
28. I'm still undecided over this whole Iraq thing.
29. I was buying chips when the towers fell.
30. I successfully predicted the US's ensueing financial problems just 12 hours later.
31. I lost my virginity in my own bed. It was a total non-event.
31. I'm not very scared of wasps anymore, but Charlie likes ribbing me about it so much that I haven't let on.
32. I wish I could go back to 1986 and start all over again, even though losing my kids would devastate me.
33. I have no idea how much I weigh, but I know it's far too much.
34. I want to do so much more.
35. I own pitifully few CD's because on-demand music doesn't interest me as much as listening to a good radio station.
36. I've been to work with painted nails.
37. I've only pulled a bird twice.
38. I'm still with no.2.
39. If I hadn't been such an insular twat at Senior School I could have gone out with loads of girls because of the reputation I had.
40. I once heard that if you stopped washing your hair, it would go naturally clean after a couple of months.
41. It took four months for me to realise that was a bunch of crap. "Tomorrow's World" lied to me!
42. I'm completely comfortable with my complete lack of artistic ability, but I still draw with the kids.
43. This is a constant source of amusement for Charlie.
44. I'm really chuffed when the kids recognise the things I've drawn, because it means I'm not as crap as I think I am.
45. I snogged a girl with braces in a forest in Wales purely due to the fact that I'm absolutely useless at orienteering.
46. I had a Hitler haircut til I was 16.
47. It was the greatest thrill of that year to get home and look at my new centre parting in the mirror.
48. It was much more of a thrill than my GCSE results.
49. I picked up my 'A' Level results on the way to the swimming bath with three kids I was babysitting. I had to put out of my head the vast crushing realisation that I wasn't going to Uni after all.
50. I desperately wanted to get away from home by the time I was 15.
51. I applied to a residential sixth form college to try and get away. Dad wouldn't sign the application form until it was almost too late, then it got lost in the post.
52. I've been to court once - for not paying my TV license.
53. I didn't have any time to prepare, I didn't have any representation and the Magistrate didn't want to be there but I dealt with it all, including an intimate dissection of my financial situation, very well.
54. I could have slept with or gone out with quite a few women.
55. Among the women I could have gone out with, one is now a lesbian, one has a pierced nipple, one blushed furiously every time she saw me, one was a nutcase, one was on the rebound, two were called Lisa, one was in her late 40's and had just been stood up by the man she'd left her husband to be with.
56. She was wearing a skirt that was way too short and a top that was way too low.
57. She asked me if I said I was 33.
58. I knew this meant she wanted to sleep with me but was trying to persuade herself that I wasn't too young.
59. I said I was 23.
60. It was Hallowe'en and I wanted to go to a club because I knew that someone I fancied was going to be there.
61. I'd just talked myself out of a night of sex in the Hyatt.
62. I regretted it for all of 30 minutes.
63. I've satisfied everyone I've slept with in the past ten years.
64. I had a girlfriend before Charlie was born.
65. I was having sex before she started junior school.
66. I'm not scared of dying.
67. But I am scared of what might happen just before I die.
69. If I get a mental illness, I would seriously consider suicide.
70. God spoke to me once. I told him there were things I needed to do first.
71. My eyes water when I hear a true paranormal story.
72. I'm really chuffed by my cooking ability.
73. I've cooked for vegetarians and very picky eaters and they've all enjoyed my meals.
74. My Father-in-law plotted to have me killed two years ago.
75. He can't work out why I don't get on with him.
76. I believe Christianity has completely lost its way and could do with another Messiah popping up to tell them what self-obssessed twats they all are.
77. I believe that if a new Christian Messiah ever did appear, he would be crucified by the popular media and the Vatican, not the Jews this time.
78. I would love to see the look on the faces of all the people who'd followed the wrong religion on the day of judgement.
79. I had a life before the internet. I went out more, listened to more music and owned much less porn.
80. I can't bear computer programming but I can do it.
81. I went to an all boys school, even though it wasn't one of the choices I'd put down.
82. My dad added his old school to my list of secondary school choices without consulting me.
83. Thank god I didn't get in there.
84. My childhood best friend was chased out of Birmingham because of what he did to my sister and one of her friends.
85. He was a born bullshitter.
86. Thanks to him, I can tell a liar as soon as they open their mouths.
87. I've forgotten what I was going to write for ths one because Bethan wanted her hands cleaned.
88. Both my kids are incredibly wilful and a terrible handful but I don't mind because it means we've given them the independance of character I think is the most powerful gift you can give your child.
89. The Father-in-law just thinks they're out of control.
90. He thinks you can train kids like you train dogs.
91. Judging by the job he did with Charlie, I have no reason to suspect that this is just talk.
92. Amongst the people I've been told I look like is someone I actually do look just like, the Comic Store Guy from The Simpsons, the lead singer from the Crash Test Dummies and the lead singer from Nine Inch Nails.
93. That last one makes me laugh to this day.
94. The one who said I looked like the lead singer from Nine Inch Nails is the nutcase I could have shagged.
95. I know someone who shagged her and I'm glad I didn't.
96. I don't think anyone would want to put on enough weight to play me in a film of my life.
97. I'd love to do something that would lead to a film being made of my life, though.
98. The '96 Phoenix Festival was a life-changing experience and only the second time I'd considered having sex with a fourteen year old.
99. I didn't know she was fourteen until the next morning.
100. The last time I considered having sex with a fourteen year old, I was also fourteen.
101. No, I didn't have sex with her.

Erm, there's a lot of sex in this list, isn't there? I've surprised myself!

I've been trying to get my Driving License, but as they need ID I don't have, it's been held up a little. I've got the ID now, so I just need to syphon £38 fro the grocery budget and it's all mine!

Once I can actually drive, and get The Beast back, here's a few places I've promised to take the family:

Cardiff: It's just as far as Weston and you actually get to see the sea. Also, we have the added geekiness of being the place they filmed New Doctor Who.

Lots of little Worcs Villages: Dad used to take us on mystery tours through all these little villages. Just a trip into the countryside on a weekend. I got enchanted with all the weird names and I love quaint little villages.

The Isle of Wight: I've had two holidays on the Isle of Wight, a month in total. I love the fact that you can drive all over the island and never lose sight of the sea - and the fact that you can visit everywhere there is to visit in two weeks. Also, there's the chance that I might actually get to see Ventnor when it's not raining.

Harlech: I've talked about this place before and I can't wait to get back there under my own steam.

Whitby: Last time we went to Primrose valley, we only got to visit a couple of places. I would have loved to get to Whitby because there was a Tall Ship in dock but we coudn't get there because the public transport we had to rely on turned the 20 mile coastal journey into a 40 mile, hours long, expensive trek. So frustrating!

The Lake District: For the boating. When the kids are older and not so likely to jump off the side of a boat just for giggles, I'm hoping to rent a cruiser on Windemere, or do a walking holiday around the lakes.

The Pennine Way: Another hopeful walking holiday, going through some of my favourite places "oop north".

Brighton: Never been there. Chances for a bit of star spotting and a chance to finally beat Allison's obsession with collecting stones. Couple of hours on that beach and no-one would want to see another stone!

Navy Day: My folks too us there one year and we got to sit on the deck of the Ark Royal and watch a harrier hover just a few meters away. Wonderful!

Glastonbury: The festival. A chance for the kids to run around in rags for a weekend and to notch some more gigs up. Only problem is, it's getting a little bit too expensive - not to mention too difficult to get hold of tickets in the first place.. And there's the creepie crawlie issue again. Still, I'd love to go. Added bonus to appeal to Charlie is the one-upmanship she plays with one of our so-called friends. When they went to Glasto, they took £150 worth of weed with them, tried to hide their joints when a police officer went by and got the lot confiscated. If they'd not acted suspiciously, the police wouldn't have bothered them. Silly people. Also they didn't take their kid away with them, so if we did, we could brag about it, y'see. Sheesh!

Salisbury: Loads of ancient landmarks nearby and deep in the heart of some glorious countryside.

And in no particular order: Lincoln, York, Stoke, Tyneside, Liverpool, Blackpool, Loch Ness, and just about everywhere else.

Want one! Want one! Why can't I have a girlfriend that likes creepy crawlies? Why?!

And this is what we're going on holiday in this year:

Primrose Valley


We love our caravan holidays. None of us hold passports and Charlie's only ever been on two holidays - I took her on both of them. There are wonderful places to visit in the UK and quite apart from not being able to go abroad, there's so many places I want to show C and the kids that I can't see us wanting to go abroad for a long time. I spy a list post coming up...

Following on from the fun of the Southpark character generator, how about these two:

Pornbears and Porndolls dressup.

Discovered by Charlie's obsession with Bad Taste Bears.

I'm watching a stunning thunderstorm!

No rain, constant lightning streaking across the heavy sky and an orange glow you just have to see to believe. It's almost like there's artillery being fired in Town.

You walk outside and you can smell the ozone crackling in the air.

Now here comes the rain...The storm's getting nearer. Glad I got the washing in now.

Another angry rumble, and the lightning's coming thick and fast. There's no way of knowing how far away it is.

I've got the living room curtains open, watching the show and listening to Jazz. This is spectacular!

Five minutes later...

The rain gets heavier and the thinder louderr. There's one flash of lightning every ten seconds on average, sometimes two or three in quick succession, and the rumbles roll over the house like waves.

I hope this doesn't wake the kids up. I shut one of their windows, but I can't reach the other.

Every time I look away it looks like I miss a spectacular flash.

The rain's stopped now, but the light show's still carrying on. According to the radio, it's all over the west country too.

Wow, that flash went on for maybe four seconds!

Gonna go now and maybe fall asleep to nature's firework display. Who could be scared of this? It's wonderful!