Today, I are bin mostly fitting carpet.

Which means I have to shift the three-piece, and therefore reveal the six months of detritus that's congregated underneath and behind said furniture.

Oh. My. Fucking. God.

I swear there's not enough room for all this shit! It's like packing for a holiday. Everything fits in the suitcase when you set off, but come time to leave, it's magically grown to twice the size and there's no way on earth that case is gonna close.

I'm sitting here staring at the most disgusting, daunting pile of crap ever. It's a foot high and at least five feet across and it consists of things you wouldn't want to touch in a million years.

There's cutlery, crockery, watches, money (I'll give you a total later), deckchairs - oh yes, deckchairs - artwork from school, half eaten things (I can't and don't want to work out what they are), there's crisp packets - full and empty and every stage inbetween, there's cups, jugs, boxes, paper, bottles, magazines, books and things that I can't even work out what they are.

I think, once the new carpet's down, we're going to have to have a long family conference about where rubbish actually goes.

See you on the other side.