# If you could be instantly fluent in one other language that you currently do not read or speak, which would it be?
Klingon, or Elvish

# If you could have the starring role in any film already made, what would it be?
Ford Prefect

# If you could receive one small package this very moment, who would it be from and what would be in it?
It would be from a Lottery winner who'd decided they couldn't cope with having all that money and decided to pass it on to me.

# If you could own one painting from any collection in the world but were not able to sell it, which work of art would you select?
Something of Thomas Kinkade's. There's a gallery of his not far from me and I go in there and just stare...

# If you were instantly able to play one musical instrument perfectly that you never have played before, what would it be?
Guitar. Like Clapton.

# If you could possess one supernatural ability, what would it be?
Shapeshifting

# If you had to choose the most valuable thing you ever learned what would it be?
Be true to yourself. Don't put on an act. Stop saying "No".

# If you could have only one piece of furniture in your house, what would it be?
One of those "L" shaped sofas.

# If you could read the private diary of someone you know personally, whose diary would it be?
There's a few people I'd like to get into their heads a little more, but I wouldn't read their diary. Do unto others and all that. Don't want mine read.

# If you could have one person you know as your well-paid and cared-for domestic labourer for one month, who would it be?
Not telling, but there is someone.

# If you could choose the way you will die, how would you want it to happen?
In a way that would secure my eternal fame.

# If you could wake up tomorrow to learn that the major newspaper headlines were about you, what would you want them to say?
Shock win for new political party, Hedgewitch moves in to number ten!

# If you won the lottery, what is the first thing you would do?
Buy a derelict farm and turn it into a kick-ass outdoor pursuits centre. Set family and friends up for life. Build a roman villa.

# If you could choose the music at your funeral, what would it be, and who would play it?
"Danny Boy" Brighouse & Raistrick colliery band.
"I will see you tomorrow" by a decent blues band.
"In my life" by someone who could do it justice.

# If you could take away the vocal cords of any person, who would it be?
Celine Dion. Or my father in law.

# If you had to describe your idea of the perfect mate, how would you do it?
Charlie, with more energy.

# If you had to have a personal friend redecorate your house, who would you pick to do it?
You've got to be kidding!

# If you had to choose the worst home you've ever lived in, which one was it?
All my homes have been quite decent. Maybe staying over at my ex's, or her mum's place in Milton Keynes.

# If you could have prevented one thing from happening between you and a friend, what would it have been?
I would notice that my friend was standing stock still in the middle of the dance floor because she actually wanted me to kiss her as well as putting a lump of ice down her back.

# If you could learn the total number of hours you have spent in your life doing one thing, what would it be?
Having sex, I think.

# If you had to describe yourself as a child in one word, what would it be?
Weird

# If you could own a single prop from any film ever made what would you choose?
A working Holodeck.