Emergency settings activated!

No, seriously, for a couple of weeks I'm back to dialup because I've upgraded to faster broadband with a new ISP. Customer Services says they'll try for 2Mb, but I'd be happy with one.

One drawback is two weeks on Dialup. Fuckin' hell it's slow!

Another drawback is that the webspace that held the graphics for my old template - the one I was moaning about in my last post - is about to go titsup, so I've got to use a crappy Blogger template. Rest assured, I'll be putting it right just as soon as the new account's up and running.

Until then, ignore the "Work In Progress" signs, won't you?

This is what the blog is supposed to look like: MacOS-X-ish pinstripe white and grey. It's supposed to look very stylish and professional.

And in Linux, it does. Looks lovely.

In Internet Explorer it looks ragged around the edges where it's supposed to be transparent because the background is a PNG graphic and IE doesn't handle PNG transparency.

In Firefox on Windows it just looks like a plain white sheet. You can't see the grey pinstripes.

I only found out the other day when I installed firefox on my Windows partition, so hey presto, I've got to do something about it.

So, next time I'm in Windows, I'll fire up Paintshop Pro and find a nice wallpaper I can turn into a new background image.

Twice Nightly Whiteley 1943 - 2005

He was the same age as my Dad.

A bit of free association on a Sunday night courtesy of

1. Useless::Creatures
   
2. Radiant::Smile
   
3. W::MV
   
4. Unpaid::accountant
   
5. Geek::Butter
   
6. Unfaithful::Songs
   
7. Reboot::Wassat?
   
8. No!::Yes!
   
9. Squad::Police
   
10. Fetish::Boots
    

I thought I'd share a bit of spam with you. This turned up in one of the MSN groups I'm subscribed to:

Best online dating service for single LDS members !

There's a great site. I am impressed so deeply because I have met my love there.
Free to join the community, then you may have the same good luck .
Tens of thousands of lds singles all over the world are waiting for you right now!
What are you still waiting for?
Do not delay your happiness any longer! Go to find your own true love today!!

[Photo of smiling girl in poloneck jumper removed]

Hello, I joined this LDS community to find my lifetime companion. I am always here, waiting for you...
If you are interested, email me...

"Lifetime companion"? "Always here, waiting for you"? Woah, bunny boiler alert.

Now what on earth do we make of this:

Euan Blair, the prime minister's eldest son, is to work in Washington DC as an intern for Republican politicians.

The 21-year-old will spend three months working for the Committee on Rules in the House of Representatives - the lower chamber of the US Congress.

The move has surprised Democrats, who see the committee as highly partisan, says the Sunday Telegraph.

A Downing Street spokesman said the prime minister's son would also seek an internship with a Democrat politician.

Euan Blair is soon to graduate from Bristol University with an ancient history degree.

According to the committee's website, internships aim at giving students exposure to the political process.

"Duties our interns are responsible for include filing, assisting senior staff, sorting through mail, preparing for committee meetings and assembling folders," the website stated.

The Sunday Telegraph claimed Californian congressman David Dreier, chair of the committee, would be Euan's mentor.

Mr Dreier was a part of the team assembled by California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to help the state tackle its economic crisis in 2003.

The newspaper reported the move had prompted surprise among Democrat politicians, who see the UK's Labour Party as their natural ally.

An aide to congresswoman Louise Slaughter, the leading Democrat on the committee, described it as "one of the most partisan" in Congress.

Eric Burns told the newspaper: "It is extremely surprising that the son of a Labour prime minister would intern with the Republican majority staff on the committee."

Downing Street said British diplomats had been involved in the process.

Morality.

Odd thing, ain't it? Let's start off with a dictionary definition:

mor·al (môrl, mr-)
adj.

1. Of or concerned with the judgment of the goodness or badness of human action and character.
2. Teaching or exhibiting goodness or correctness of character and behavior.
3. Conforming to standards of what is right or just in behavior; virtuous.
4. Arising from conscience or the sense of right and wrong.
5. Having psychological rather than physical or tangible effects.
6. Based on strong likelihood or firm conviction, rather than on the actual evidence.

n.

1. The lesson or principle contained in or taught by a fable, a story, or an event.
2. A concisely expressed precept or general truth; a maxim.
3. morals Rules or habits of conduct, especially of sexual conduct, with reference to standards of right and wrong

We all have a moral code that we live by - each of us have a slightly different moral code. This is exactly how it should be. While one person can believe it's morally right to strap on an explosive vest, walk into a crowded shopping centre and blow themselves up, another person can believe their morals dictate them to drive into the centre of town, pour gasoline over themselves and set light to it and yet another person can comfortably decide to walk past innumerable women each day and make that conscious decision not to rape and murder them.

Morality is subjective. Very subjective. It has to be that way. No-one has the right to dictate a complete moral structure on us, because it's at that point that individual responsibility ends and pack mentality or even slavery ensues - not the kind of slavery which relies on physical restraints, but the psychological type practised by dictators and cult leaders.

Just lately there seems to be a worrying trend in America to lend moral weight to everything. New laws are being passed with morality clauses which put into common law the right to refuse medical treatment or retail service or physical defense if the person does not feel morally obligated to do so. Imagine if you will being operated on by a Jehova's Witness who decides he cannot morally allow you a blood transfusion despite the fact that you've just been shot and are currently haemorrhaging all over the sidewalk, or the pharmacist who refuses your raped and possibly pregnant eight year old daughter emergency contraception on the grounds that their staunch catholic morality considers birth control ungodly, or the soldier who refuses to protect his islamic comrades because he's jewish.

Morality has no place in Law: Law is not "Based on strong likelihood or firm conviction, rather than on the actual evidence.".

And there's more:

What is it between the US and the UN? Or the EU for that matter? Does US foreign policy really amount to nothing much more than "subjugate all other countries to our will"?

Let's look at the evidence:

Cato, a US antil-UN lobby group whose handbook sounds rather close to US policy.

The US has consistently argued against foreign plans to curb Global Warming. Lately they have been trying to convince everyone that the widely accepted scientific evidence that Greenhouse gas emissions cause global warming is wrong.

The problem is that since 9/11, George Bush's administration has convinced the majority of Americans that they hold not only the moral high ground on everything, but that the mere fact of not believing that they hold the moral high ground on everything is anti-American. Which means that when the state ignores the growing rumour that Saddam Hussein orchestrated the 9/11 attacks they can walk into the country and take over with massive internal support. As the largest, most powerful country in the world, they can easily afford to consider themselves above international law. Just like Al Capone did, or Adolf Hitler, the American Government has decided to follow its own off-kilter version of international law where you can build a false image of a country in the minds of your populace, then use that false image to justify a pre-emptive invasion. Who cares if it's illegal? Of course it's illegal, but if you're too big to be held to account, it makes no difference.

So what is Bush trying to hide by monging the evidence for climate change, and why is he doing such a bad job of it? Well, it's probably the first attempts to try a Stalinesque revision of history. Just a couple of months ago, it was common knowledge that market forces precluded Bush from ever agreeing to the Kyoto Protocol. Big Business runs America and there is no way on this Earth that they would ever tolerate any American Government setting vastly expensive cleanliness regulations on them.

I wondered how much the Government reflected the view of the people and how attitudes had changed over the years, so here's an article from 1998 entitled "What do people really think of the UN?" and then compare that to this article from April.

Quite a difference. Some of it explainable under the circumstances, some of it obviously evidence of Bush's unbelievable and scary spin.

The more I look at reports coming out of the States, the more it becomes glaringly obvious that Bush will use any method available to forward his vision - One Nation Under God? Oh no, we want one World under George.

And Britain? Well, we won't stand in his way, but I'm damned if I'll agree to it. In maybe twenty years time, we're going to see massive conflict between east and west. Just remember, we're all going to be on the wrong side. They're right, we're wrong and there's absolutely nothing we can do about it - short of emigrating to New Zealand or Switzerland or something.

Do try and enjoy the ride, won't you.

Cutthroat

Guess what I use this for.

Go on, guess.

OK, so we've all seen Mississippi Burning at least once, right? We all know the plot - three black "voters rights" workers are killed by the Klan, no-one seems to know who was under the white robes though...

I'm guessing a fair few of you know that it's based on a true event. I'd be willing to bet that even less of you know that just yesterday, the man who orchestrated the killings, now eighty years old, a Baptist preacher and wheelchair bound, was found guilty of manslaughter and sent down for twenty years.

Here, I present an article that was submitted to the open forums of the San Francisco Chronicle. They're not my words and I claim no tolerance for the attitude displayed by the author, Hans Allhoff, a student of Stanford Law School. I'm reproducing it in full because I don't want it to dissappear. If you want a more clear explanation with what's wrong with the US today, just read on:

It's the kind of news we love to hear: Forty-one years after three voter registration volunteers were killed in rural Mississippi, Edgar Ray Killen, an acknowledged Klu Klux Klansman, now stands trial for their murder. Again. (Killen was tried in 1967 and walked after his all-white jury deadlocked.) His alleged victims were James Chaney, Michael Schwerner and Andrew Goodman. Each was in his early 20s, and each was a passionate advocate for what he understood justice to demand.

Although Killen has pled not guilty, his prosecution may well do for civil-rights soldiers still living what apprehending Osama bin Laden would do for us, which is to bring some symbolic closure to a haunting memory. Yet I am surprised nobody wants to call Killen a murderer and then leave him alone: Our two most preferred justifications for punishing criminals -- incapacitation and deterrence -- don't cut it in his case. He is 80 years old and a preacher. By virtue of his station in life (an accident earlier this year left him wheelchair-bound), he is already incapacitated. He might still be a racist, but he is no real threat to social order. What's more, his crime, by virtue of our society's moral evolution, is one we don't really need to deter. Civil- rights work is a relatively safe business these days.

There's always a need to deter senseless killing, of course, but there was nothing senseless about what Killen is accused of. Whoever did it was a Klu Klux Klan member who, true to his heart, was fighting for his version of a better America. Just like his victims. Sad -- disgusting, even -- but true.

With incapacitation and deterrence ineligible, what's left? Not rehabilitation. Again, Killen is not far from death, and criminal convictions only rarely produce heartfelt conversions in people. How about vengeance, or retribution? They're terribly unpopular. One victim's mother, Carolyn Goodman, has specifically disavowed their import. "I'm not looking for revenge," she said. "I'm looking for justice."

Most opponents of harsh punishment and strict sentencing laws also believe vengeance and retribution to be subrational impulses, simply out of alignment with modern liberal and democratic values. George Ryan, who commuted all death sentences in Illinois when he was governor, continues to say they have no penal logic -- to much applause.

Yet if we're to ignore our moral impressions about what people who commit crimes deserve, irrespective of what we'll gain socially by punishing them, it's not clear how we can in good faith prosecute people like Killen. Carolyn Goodman is partially correct. We all want justice. But it's hard to see how our understanding of justice in Killen's case has nothing to do with wanting to see him suffer. We don't just want him to be held accountable for his crime; we want him to pay a price for it. We believe it would be morally proper for him to die in jail rather than his Mississippi home.

We may be a better, more civil people without vengeful sentiments in our hearts. Maybe they do coarsen us. Maybe they aren't good for our moral advancement as a people. Maybe it is wrong to treat people, even bad people, as objects of punishment.

Whether Killen should be prosecuted today for a crime of decades past can remain an open question. What cannot is our reason for believing he should. It is vengeance, and nothing else.

Pay especial attention to this phrase:

there was nothing senseless about what Killen is accused of. Whoever did it was a Klu Klux Klan member who, true to his heart, was fighting for his version of a better America.

Now, even though the author goes on to call such an attitude sad and disgusting, we all know that there are people both in the states and much closer to home who will say that it's a fair point. Hypocritically, they would probably be the loudest voices in the crowd baying for the blood of all Muslims as a result of 9/11.

Maybe this is an attempt at Devils' Advocacy, maybe it's all a badly thought out exercise in reasoning by some snotty Law undergrad student, but it's sparked a row, it's tapped the uneasy subconscious of Americans because it's reawakened the thought that maybe, just maybe America isn't all that Great and Free after all. And that scares the living fuck out of them.

How can an 80's, low budget TV show be better than the huge budget blockbuster movie?

Garth Jennings has managed to come up with the answer.

I've been a great fan of Hitch Hikers' for many years, ever since I saw the original TV series way back in '81 at the tender age of eight, I loved it - the anarchic energy, the quirky quasi-sci-fi, the cool animations, the wonderful story and the concept - a book that tells you everything you need to know about the galaxy, not in the usual staid, dusty way, but in that friendly fashion that all text books should be written in.

After that, and a small delay while I actually hunted down the books and grew old enough to appreciate them, I sucked down all four novels with a straw, immersing myself totally within a universe where you were cool if you knew where your towel was. I knew it all stemmed from a Radio show, but I never thought I'd get to hear it.

Then I heard that Douglas Adams was going to make a movie of it. Cool.

And I waited (this is pre-internet, so my only source of information was what got passed down through the general grapevine, and in Q magazine or 2000ad).

Then he dropped dead. It was a cruel blow for humanity when DNA's heart gave out. A true literary genius passed away and I mourned...quietly.

But the movie got made anyway. I waited with baited breath for every new development - who was writing it? What were his credentials? How much of DNA's vision would be in the movie and when would it be finished?

Unfortunately, gout, birthdays, phone bills and other unfortunate drains on the wallet meant that I missed it at the Cinema, so, vowing to buy the DVD, I downloaded it over the weekend. I had been determined not to download it, in a show of loyalty to one of my favourite stories and people, but it wasn't to be and I very reluctantly clicked on the bittorrent link.

So last night, we piped it through our DVD card and settled down to watch one of the funniest creations ever - or so I wished it had been.

What we actually watched was a mishmash of recognisable scenes intercut with some truly dreadful moments. I'll mention Humma Cavula and the Vogon homeworld as prime examples of the latter and The Book, Arthur and Slartibartfast for the former.

The movie suffers - was always going to suffer - on a number of points:

1) The writer oversaw, produced, directed, scripted and appeared in the '81 miniseries.

2) The actors who starred in the '81 miniseries (with the exception of Sandra Dickinson and David Dixon) were the people Douglas Adams wrote the characters for. Arthur Dent is Simon Jones, Mark Wing Davey is Zaphod Beeblebrox, Peter Jones is the voice of the Book. That's who Douglas Adams had in mind when he wrote the radio play and that's who came to the small screen to make the miniseries.

No-one will be able to top that crappy little miniseries in my book, because that and the radio series is the purest, least diluted form of DNA's actual live vision of the story.

Which is a shame because the crew of the movie really try hard but it just doesn't make it. The movie is a poor imitation of the wonderful universe through which DNA takes us with nothing but a book, a towel and a craving for tea.

I seriously wanted to like this film, seriously, but I just can't do it.

I'm not criticising any one thing - Mos Def is great aas the otherworldly Ford Prefect. I can cope with a black Ford. Considering how Ford Prefect arrived at his nom de voyage, casting a black actor could be construed as a subtle nod to the bad research - "any colour as long as it's black" y'see?

Sam Rockwell gets Zaphod completely wrong. Zaphod is actually a character with a lot of pathos - and intelligence. He operated on his own brain in order to sneak past rigorous checks and meet the man who actually runs the galaxy - and he achieves this goal in the novels. He's not a dickhead stoner who can be sobered up by using his head to make fruit juice.

And Arthur does get the girl, but it ain't Trillian.

All in all, I will probably watch the movie over and over, just like I read the books and watch the miniseries over and over, just like I'll listen to the radio series when I eventually invest in an MP3 jukebox, but despite that, I cannot escape the overwhelming sensation that too much is missing.

And there's more to come. Which might be good, might be bad. I am open to being impressed next time. Whatever happens, you can consider my table booked at Milliways.

Twelve grand for paintings done by a Chimp

Here I was moaning about the heat, when just about 150 miles away this was happening. That's a street in Thirsk, North Yorkshire.

A chap who lives in Thirsk is on the radio right now and has just said "It was totally freaky". No, he's not a hippy.

And George Bush is doing his best to scupper any advance in Global Warming legislation.

You know what I was saying about the Caribbean yesterday?

I'll be in the garden, watering the kids.

A quick roundup of weather around the globe right now:

Ayers Rock - 9 celcius
Greenland - 9 celcius
Central Park, New York - 21 celcius
Puerto Cortes, Honduras - 30 celcius
Tobago - 28 celcius

Fuck me it's hot.

Next!

This one could be controversial. To really get Gorillaz, you need to remember, to never forget that the band has a comic artist as a member. And not just any comic artist. Jamie Hewlett. I've always loved Hewlett. I first came across his work in 2000ad some seventeen years ago and from the Gorillaz videos and Tank Girl comics I've seen, his style hasn't changed, which is an excellent thing.

Hewlett is quirky, jagged, with an eye for life which is, well, let's say different.

And when a quirky comic artist forms a band with a quirky musician, it's pretty inevitable that Gorillaz will emerge.

Now one mistake that people will make with Gorillaz is to ignore the visuals. They'll even go to see them in concert! Could there be a bigger way of missing the point?

To listen to the album, you have to have some Hewlett Artwork in front of you, you have to at least visualise the band in a Hewlett-esque setting, or you're cutting out a member of the band. Imagine listening to Metallica without Lars Ulrich, or White Stripes without Meg.

Demon Days wins over the debut album in one important aspect. I can listen to it. I tried again and again to listen to the other one, but failed each time. It just doesn't work without the video presentation there. 19/2000 is a great music video, but a shit song. Clint Eastwood gets a little wearing on the radio, but I can watch it over and over.

In the same way, Feel Good Inc. is a great visual experience, but disappears into the noise of the album.

Thing is, this time, it's a good noise. Yes, more of the same, but this time - call it watered down, call it hackneyed, call it more commercial, but I call it, well, not better but more accessible.

My god, another keeper - but I might get the DVD instead.

Yes, It's Music Sunday chez Hedgewitch.

And what an excellent album for a tropical Sunday morning! KT Tunstall's Eye to the Telescope has even managed to make me chill out about the kids' gardenphobia, and that is an achievement!

There's the juicy rocky tunes like Black Horse, which I've always liked, and then there's the evocatively wonderful "Under the Weather", which just makes me want to be on a verandah, sipping home made lemonade and watching dust motes swirl in the early evening breeze. Quite a trick from a small scottish woman.

This is an album of the time I think, her vocals follow the jazzy, easy style in vogue at the moment - witness the rise and rise of Joss Stone, Katie Melua, Anastacia and other smoky voiced women.

As a result, there's again nothing on this album that should surprise. It's not a challenge to listen to this and any fan of Texas, Sheryl Crow, Alannah Myles will know exactly what to expect from KT Tunstall.

Barbecue music, verandah-with-lemonade music, music to blare over the neighbour's fence on the hottest day of the year. Another one to add to the genre. Another one to put on my shopping list.

Another result!

White Stripes

Piano? Marimba? Garage sound? Not what I was expecting at all. I thought White Stripes were all guitar, but never mind.

I was introduced to the existence of the group when they became the darlings of the Popbitch board some years ago, and looking the album up on Amazon, I was surprised to read that this is their fifth album.

Well, knowing they were beloved by the London Media Dahlinks kinda turned me against them. Irrational, I know, but if you consider that the recent Chris Morris series "Nathan Barley" pretty much captures the attitude of the Popbitch inhabitants, you'll see why anything they expound should probably be avoided.

But - wait for it - Get Behind Me Satan is actually rather good. Yes, I'm as surprised as you. I was ready to write "Bland" ten times in ten reviews, but it was not to be.

I've always been a fan of that raw sound - comes of being a live music freak I suppose - and this album's a foot stomping, chunky, fuzzy romp of an album that I liked from first to last.

I was going to write down the tracks I like, but that would be just like reproducing the back cover, with the notable exception of "White Moon" which is really a little bit shit. The Nurse, My Doorbell, Instinct Blues, Little Ghost and Take Take Take stand out as particular favourites. Yeah, you oculd rock out to this album. I like.

This one's on my shopping list. Result!

Next to get the Noatun treatment is Kaiser Chiefs - Employment.

I don't want to call this album bland. I mean, I quite liked a lot of the tracks. I'm surprised how many singles are on it. Seems the Chiefs have snuck their way into the collective subconsciuos, or maybe they've just got that knack of writing songs you think you've heard a million times before.

I was kind of transported back to 1993, the height of Britpop. This album would sit well with the likes of Menswear, Teenage Fanclub, Pulp's early stuff and dare I say it, even The Wildhearts.

It's kinda dated, kinda nondescript. I wonder who's buying Kaiser Chiefs? Is it perhaps people of my age, recognising a sound from their formative years?

All in all, I'm pretty neutral about Employment. People who listen to more music than me could probably tell you a dozen bands that the Kaiser Chiefs have been influenced by, but for me, the casual listener and critic it just seems that I've heard this stuff just a little too much before.

So is it a keeper? I dunno. If I remember it's there and need the space, I'll probably get rid, but for now I've got plenty of room, so it can stay. Pay for it, y'say? Well, someone who doesn't know me very well can buy it me for Christmas, can't they, or maybe I've found something to spend that WH Smiths voucher on.

See that? See that number down on the bottom left?

Twenty. Seven. Point. Five. Degrees. Celcius.

It's only two degrees warmer in the Carribean right now, and that's outdoors, not in someone's living room.

Waiter, Scotch on the rocks, hold the scotch!

I've had an idea for the start of a story!

Actually, that's quite a coup, because for ages I haven't had any inspiration to write anything apart from pithy letters to people in charge and blog posts.

It's like my creative gene went into recession for ten years, but now it's back. Now, I don't promise any groundbreaking revelatory Booker Prize winning novel, but maybe I'll churn out a nice little beginning, or maybe a synopsis for a decent short story - well, I'll think it's decent, anyway.

I've got a folder somewhere chock full of stuff I wrote when I was at school. I was prolific, banging out page after page of my oh-so ambitious novel. It stalled at around page 30 unfortunately, and the beginning and synopsis is now entombed in a plastic pocket.

I wrote a great short story once, well two, but this one was supposed to be a ghost story. It transmuted itself while I was writing it into a sweet little love story. Don't know how. There was another one, based on a Hemmingway short story of a nurse who fell in love with someone during the Spanish Civil War. It took up just one side of A4 and I was inspired to do something similar, so I set mine in a Jazz bar. I liked it, I think I caught something of Hemmingway in it, but then that's probably incredibly conceited.

So I'm off now to slowly cook - it's far too hot in here - and to scribble down my idea before it flitters away again.

If anyone's interested, U2's Twickenham gig is being broadcast this Saturday on Radio 2 from 9pm.

If you're doing something more interesting like getting pissed at the time, tough shit because they don't have the rights to broadcast it over the internet or keep it on their "listen again" service. You'll have to console yourselves with the excellently funny Punt & Dennis's "It's been a Bad Week".

First up to the plate is Gwen Stefani - Love Angel Music Baby

Well, it's a perfectly decent pop album, full of pretty nondescript, unchallenging tracks.

Which is a shame because I liked her No Doubt era. There's moments that stand out, like "Danger Zone", which is playing right now, and surprisingly "Rich Girl" which didn't phase me when it was in the charts, but actually caught my interest on the album.

Other than that, it's slightly soulful pop-by-numbers standard fare. I got the impression there's some holding back going on. We're seeing the softer side of pop-rock princess Stefani here. The power pop she belted out as part of No Doubt is a million miles away from what she delivers on here, with the notable exception of "What you waiting for".

That opening track promises more of what we've heard before but that gets scuppered three tracks later with the mid-90's-esque ballad "Cool". From then on we get tracks which pretty much blend into each other in blandness, with just a nod to something soulful which is probably the only reason I kept listening.

And the acoustic bonus track version of "The real thing" is far superior to the synthed up regular track.

I think it might be a keeper, that one - but only just.

So, U2 played Manchester last night.

Undoubtedly it ws a wonderfuly experience. I'm not the slightest bit interested. Maybe in 1985 I would have been, but now, after hearing their latest stuff - which all sounds like their old stuff - I can't see the point.

In fact, thinking about the concert last night, I came up with an idea. I'm going to take a glance at some big new albums, the ones at the top of the charts - U2, Coldplay, Oasis, Faithless, White Stripes, Black Eyed Peas, Gwen Stefani, Keane, Tears, Athlete, Gorillaz and so on - and present a kind of anti-review.

Every review I've read has either tried to be fair and balanced, or sycophantically positive. I can't be done with all that. All the artists I'll be listening to will be starting from a potision of weakness. I'll either be pleasantly surprised or vindicated, and I'll post my conclusions right here.

Watch and tremble, all you Musos.

Apparently it takes a four month trial and $300,000 of debt to get something to sink into Michael Jackson's brain. He's finally promised not to sleep with any more young boys.

Well, that's OK then.

Jeez.

Some news stories that have caught the shrewd Hedgewitch eye today:

Tony Blair's got another problem to deal with......the cleaners! Yes, the House of Commons cleaning staff are being balloted on whether or not to go on strike over bad pay. The Union representative from the cleaning contractor says that because the Government had "screwed" the contractor, the 170-strong cleaning staff were also being screwed. They want an hourly increase from the £5 minimum wage to £6.70 in order to establish a wage packet that covers the inflated cost of living in London, "Europe's most expensive capitol".

Where do I start with this one? Once again, my opinion that Londoners are money hungry idiots is vindicated. I have no problem with the cleaners' requests, more with the fact that while giving themselves a 30% wage hike, they are happy to tread all over the little person. While I've never had a cleaning job, I have been that little person and let me tell you, it's those little, invisible people that you sneer at that makes your life more livable. The fact that it's gone as far as to warrant a strike ballot says more about the Government's fucked up attitude than it does about anything else.

A schoolkid from Kansas is being sued by his Spanish teacher for maliciously vomiting on him before an exam.

Oh yes, malicious vomiting. The teacher says the incident was "outrageous". I'll tell you what's outrageous...actually, I think everyone can see exactly what's outrageous. Twat.

The US is still out to get Kofi Annan for not ratifying the Iraq invasion. Having failed to secure his resignation over some alleged dodgy dealings his son had with Swiss firm Cotecna during the oil-for-food years, it now appears that a search of Cotecna's archives has brought to earth a memo (first published in the New York Times) concerning a meeting between Annan and the firm's executives just a few weeks before the firm was granted a contract to oversee the oil-for-food programme. The UN and Cotecna claim to have no recollection of the meeting.

Was the ink dry? strange that it should be an issue at all considering the US's former attitude regarding the abuse of the oil-for-food programme.

American Secretary of Defence Donald Rumsfeld is worried about the country's image, saying that the US lacked diplomatic skill, that the problems in Iraq were now problems that the Iraqi people themselves have to solve and that the Gitmo captives are being well treated and getting better food and treatment than they had before they were captured.

Thus says the man whose last stint as Secretary of Defense was during the Vietnam War.

And finally...as the third earthquake in four days rattles the US east coast, the panel is asking: Is God about to drop California into the sea, and will anyone care if he does?

It was my birthday yesterday. As predicted, I didn't go clubbing, mostly because I spent the money on groceries, but also because my Gout decided to pop up for some agony. Besides, I prefer a low key day. Can't see much reason to celebrate being 32. I'd rather be 22 again. Sometimes i feel every day of 32, some days I long to be sixteen again. Mostly I just don't want to be getting older. The grey hair can piss off, too.

Nevertheless, we had a great time scoffing ourselves stupid at the Big Wok for lunch.

Mum bought me her usual things - couple of t-shirts and a set of wooden puzzles which frustrate us madly - "where's the instructions? Is there a piece missing? I don't get it, where does that bit go? " and so on.

Charlie's mum got me a wallet, Dad got me a watch and we're working slowly through the MASH season five box set.

But tip of the top is an amazing present which Charlie sneaked past me in a quite spectacular way. When we arrived home from the Big Wok, the post was waiting for us, including a big brown envelope from Swansea, with a card in it.

My Provisional Driving License!

I was seventeen fifteen years ago. I was offered driving lessons or a stereo. I took the stereo. Dick!

It's taken fifteen years to rectify that mistake. Now all I need is 30 hours of lessons and The Beast is all mine again!

The Beast, not yesterday

Just to clarify, I'm outraged and enraged by the travesty of justice that's been done. The man should be locked away in Neverland and kept away from decent folk.

I've always kept a healthy distance from people I considered "damaged goods". You don't get anymore damaged than him.

The only question the jurors should have been asked is "Would you let your kids spend the night in bed with him?"

The face of an innocent man.


Yeah, OK. Absolutely no deep personal problems there.

FUCKING TRAVESTY

Tip 207:

Taoism: The Nine Stages of Pleasure.

According to Taoism, a woman's orgasm includes nine stages, each of which involves other parts of her body. This theory reflects early Taoist beliefs that the pleasure of both partners is essential to a fulfilled sex life and allows the woman and (most importantly) her partner to identify the stage of satisfaction she is in.

Stage 1:
The woman's orgasm begins on this level with deep breaths followed by sighs and the production of saliva in the mouth. This step corresponds to stimulation of the lungs.


Stage 2:
She kisses him while she stretches out her tongue. This stage corresponds to stimulation of the heart.

Stage 3:
In this level she holds him tightly; her muscles are stimulated. The activation of spleen, stomach, and pancreas are included in this stage.

Stage 4:
At this stage there is a flow of vaginal fluid that corresponds to stimulation of the kidneys and the bladder.

Stage 5:
She starts to bite him, while her joints become soft. Stage 5 is said to correspond to the stimulation of the bones.

Stage 6:
She embraces him with her arms and legs and winds herself around him. This corresponds to the stimulation of the liver and the nerves.

Stage 7:
In her excitement, she tries to touch her partner all over the body, which is associated with her blood beginning to boil.

Stage 8:
She bites harder and gropes for his nipples, at the same time relaxing all her muscles.

Stage 9:
She gives herself to her partner completely and surrenders to a petit mort ("little death"). The entire body is involved in this stage.

Fantastic!

- Ticket prices to rise by 54% over five years
- Champions League tickets to go up by up to 25%
- Man Utd to play match in Tampa each year, raising £2m
- Transfer budget capped at £25m per season for next five years
- Matchday turnover to rise by 61%, 13% increase in media turnover and 76% increase in merchandising
- Shirt sponsorship to be worth £10.8m a season by 2010
- Turnover to increase to £246m by 2010

I don't usually lower myself to acronyms in my blog posts but ROFLMFAO! Glazer's fucked Man U PLC real good, ain't he? No increase in team spending, but a huge increase in turnover in the next five years. OK, so someone who supports that team please look me in the eye and tell me it really is all about the football!

Might have to give this a try!

Russian scientists at the Novosibirsk Institute of Medicine are claiming a beating on the naked buttocks with a cane is the perfect way to cure everything from depression to alcoholism.

The researchers say caning releases endorphins, the body's natural 'happy chemicals', and that leads to feelings of euphoria, a reduction of appetite, the release of sex hormones and an enhancement of the immune response, and they have a similar effect on pain as drugs such as morphine and codeine, but do not lead to addiction or dependence.

Biologist Dr Sergei Speransky who led the research claims corporal punishment, similar to that doled out regularly in British schools in the last century, helps people overcome addiction and depression. He confirms he is not a sadist even though he recommends caning and says the treatment works. A standard treatment course entails 30 sessions with 60 of the best, delivered on the buttocks by a person of average build.

Dr Marina Chuhrova who also took part in preparing the report said she had 10 patients she caned regularly and though initially "they didn't like it, when they started to feel the benefits they kept asking for more."

The Russian team says they are now charging for the caning sessions and are getting over U.S.$ 100 per patient for a standard treatment.

Tip 226:

Take a newspaper with you into a cafe. Hold the paper in front of you and throw a few unmistakable glances over the edge of the paper at the Object of your Desire. Repeat this "exercise" a few times, and you will soon find out what kind of effect your signals have.

The case goes to court on the 15th, and really the restraining order isn't that terrible.

I just quit my Teacher Training course. Gutted! Had my bag packed for the morning and everything, but then I got to thinking how it has been one long battle against the clock, how I really haven't got the £44 they need off me to enrol properly, how I am never ever going to arrive on time and how I really need to be at home to deal with all the other stuff I'm trying to get working.

For example, I still haven't put all my stuff on Ebay, and the list is mounting. I now have about five dozen "wednesday matinee" type VHS's to get sold, plus some ROTS merchandise, some very heavy Warfare books and half a dozen pairs of brand new thank you, let's not get skanky boxer shorts to flog. There are two reasons I haven't bothered yet. One is that a handful of the videos need their photos taken and I know they'll be the ones at the very bottom of the bag, the other is that it means spending an evening doing stultifyingly dull data entry into Turbo Lister - my auction management software of choice which refuses point blank to work on Linux.

I have an appointment to discuss my Business Plan with the Birmingham Chamber of Commerce on the 22nd. That's a minor coup. I've only got an appointment this side of christmas because my Gout is classed as a disability in the eyes of the Jobcentre. Bit of a blag, just a bit. But as they said, there are days when I actually can't walk. I still feel like a bit of a fraud though.

The Church website is not coming on very fast, so I need to concentrate on it at some point soon. It'll be a big string to my bow if I can approach a potential employer as a Webmaster of a public site, as opposed to a blogger with a knack for getting XHTML pages to work.

And I've signed up for Flickr, the photoblogging site, so pretty soon - as soon as I can afford some Duracell for the old digicam - I may start snapping some of my oh so interesting surroundings to share with y'all, like I've wanted to for a while, but couldn't because a) I'm running out of space on my ISP's little chunk of interweb and b) the wonderful little picture posting program Hello also refuses to work properly on Linux (and the Windows emulator is mysteriously fucked, so I can't even run the bloody windows calculator right now, let alone anything more complicated).

Oh yeah, and if I go silent for a couple of months, you know the phone bill didn't get paid, OK? Yeah, I know that'll serious fuck up my Webmasterage.

The sky's getting brighter and sleep still seems just as far away as it did at eight o'clock this morning. I may put Big Brother on. Nothing like watching other people sleep to get the ZZZzzz's going.

Someone else has got away with going 150mph. This one didn't use the "It's alright, your honour, I'm a Police Officer" line though. In good Shaggy stylee, this one simply said "Wuzz'n me".

Yes, I must remember to get myself a wig next time I go speeding - and get myself a sweet little alibi which includes children before it comes to court a year later, too.

In other court news, I wish the Jackson Jury would bloody well get a move on. I get the feeling they're milking it to see if he'll drop dead in the meantime. I saw a report yesterday which asked the question "would Michael Jackson's plastic surgery stand up to time in jail?" To which the reply was that surgery that extensive would probably need constant attention which he wouldn't recieve in a normal prison, but that of course, for him the rules would be "bent".

My money is on the Judge ordering to spend the rest of his life locked away in Neverland, living the reclusive lifestyle he's been living, except being only allowed adult visitors. That would be appropriate and ironic. His wonderful theme park home, the only place he feels safe, becomes his prison.

I'd love for the judge to have a moment of clarity and condemn all the cheap stalling and attention grabbing hypochondriac tactics he's been using. OK, to look at him, you could believe he's at death's door. I mean he looks less like a human being and more like a Henson creature shop puppet skeleton, but I really can't believe he needs a surgeon, in scrubs, in attendance at the courtroom. Yes, maybe a medic on hand, but in scrubs? "Look, look everyone! I'm such a sick man that I have to have a surgeon here! Look! He's got the proper outfit and everything! And just in case you missed that little sledgehammer of a hint, I'll get stretchered out to my Limo every night!"

So come on ladies and gentlemen of the Jury, time to stand up and deliver the verdict that will make you public enemy number one in the eyes of MJ's fan club. Time to destroy a megastar. I'd love to be a fly on the wall in that Jury room, wouldn't you? "You can't find him guilty, he's Michael Jackson!"

You're a Deathrocker/Goth-Punk! You're into old
school gloom-n-doom ghoul punk music, ripped up
tight clothing, and big hair cut into unnatural
designs. You recognize the cheesiness in Goth,
and play with it to your benefit.


What kind of Goth would you be?
brought to you by Quizilla


You're Bauhaus, the grandfather's of goth. You
probably don't call yourself a goth...but that
just makes you cooler. Nice boots, by the way
}:)


What Goth Band Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Um...yeah.

Gonna be a bit quiet for a while, I'm trying to get this Church website up and running quickly, then I've got to show a class how to make daffodils out of card on Thursday morning, which means tonight is a trial run and tomorrow is preparation night. And I still haven't written my lesson plan.

Along with all that, me and C have rediscovered our libidos after a few weeks of hiatus, so that's taking up a bit of time, too.

Right! Off to fetch daughter number one from the madhouse...or is that bring her back to the madhouse...

In other news, I think I've worked out what's going on with this Iraq thing. People are determined to believe we - the west, or more precisely the US and Britain are the good guys, defending the Democratic world from the terrorists.

Bollocks!

We're the bad guys, just as much as the kids in semtex vests are, just as much as Osama Bin Lardon or Saddam "gotcha, now what ya gonna do?" Hussein.

Of course, that means that there's actually no good guys left in the world, which I guess is a little scary. Mutually Assured Destruction, anyone? Assume the position...

The church I grew up attending has finally woken up to the digital age. My dad is a deacon and it's through him I get most of the gossip, including the fact that they want to make a website.

Baptist Deacons are a pretty conservative lot. All they want it to do is give a small amount of information and show people how to get there.

What a waste of a perfect opportunity. So I'm waging a campaign to become their webmaster. Won't do me any harm when it comes to my HTML course.

The bread in the sandwich I'm eating was dough this morning. When I bought it, it was still warm.

There is seriously no better bread with which to make a sandwich.

I'm eating it while watching Angels One Five, the classic story of a squadron of Battle of Britain pilots. I quite like watching these old war films, lately I've caught Dambusters and First of the Few and enjoyed them more than I should really.

Tip 148:

Why not groom your pubic hair? Be inventive and take advantage of all the possibilities offered by cosmetics and haircare products to make yourself a sexy heairstyle.

Yes, I feel the urge to style my pubes into a nice spiky 70's punk mohican.

Been doing a bit of retail therapy ahead of my birthday next Monday. Nothing amazing, just some clothes to go out in as everything I own is either not good enough to take to a club, or fifteen years old.

So I pop to my most favourite clothes shop ever, TW Ryder's army surplus store in Selly Oak, and trawl almost hopelessly through the racks of cammo trousers for one in my size. As luck would have it, the one pair they had in my size (44" - oh yes, 44 inches of pure Hedgewitch belly) happened to be in the style I really wanted - Arctic cammo - so they're mine baybeh!

Not everything went so well though, I then popped into Northfield and picked myself up three pairs of bermuda shorts, none of which fit, one of which, despite being supposedly the same size as the bloody cammo trousers actually come at least four inches short on that Hedgewitch belly.

So, in true optimist style, I have a challenge for the summer. The shorts look great, tribal pattern wings all over the arse and pockets over every available space (I'm a sucker for pockets*) so I'm determined to lose the four or six inches I need to get into the suckers.

*- A sucker to the extent that my favourite coat has six HUGE pockets, the gilet I wear almost constantly has ten pockets and most of my trousers have more than five. I have a greatcoat whose pockets are so vast that I lost a Psion pocket computer in one for twenty minutes. I've been known to go shopping in that coat and not need a shopping bag to bring the stuff home. Need somewhere for that two liter bottle of coke? I can get four in those suckers dude.

Oh Bollocks!

Tip 146:

According to a study, the three most erotic colours for him and for her are red-orange, dark blue and violet. Surround yourself with those colours during sex and see what happens.

OK then, the orange teddy and blue stockings are in the post, along with some lovely violet boxers for me. I'll let you know...

I've been thinking about this Iraq thing.

The big objection to the war was how Blair lied. But politicians lie all the time. The only reason we're not allowed to say they lie is because they have better lawyers than us.

So why did so many people want to keep Saddam in power? Why make an issue of this particular lie? Why do people want to see Iraq now degenerate into civil war which would probably draw in half a dozen other countries?

What I'd like to know is really what the objection to the war, to the continued occupation of Iraq is all about. The reasons we hear - that Iraqi's are killing our people, that the war was illegal, that there could have been a diplomatic solution - all seem somewhat vapid. It just seems to me that there's something deeper going on that we haven't heard about yet. I'm not talking about the oil thing. No-one who wanted Iraq's oil would object to the removal of Saddam Hussein.

So what is it? I really would like to know. Something just doesn't ring true, or deep enough.

Am I the only one who's sick of Chris Martin's whiney voice?

Coldplay's new album is the record of the week on Radio 2 this week, which means that every day, somewhere between 9:30 and midday, and between midnight and 3am, you'll hear a track off it.

And I'm afraid it's shit. Bland, middle of the road, formulaic, same old same old Coldplay. You've heard each track before a million times. It's the same old ticking rhythm, the same old plaintive Martin vocals.

If you like Coldplay, you'll like this album. I don't, and I don't.

I know exactly why EMI issued that profit warning.

Katya wants a chinchilla, which reminded me of the first time I saw a chipmunk. I was on holiday in Cornwall and we'd discovered a jumble sale on a bookstore's forecourt. Centre spot in this jumble sale was this crazy creature streaking around its huge cage. My sister and I were enthralled. When it stopped still, which it did for all of two seconds before continuing on it's "wall of death" style zooming, we saw the little creature for what it was, the black streaks running down it's body, the distinctive facial markings, and because it was the first time we'd seen one, we were of course deeply charmed.

I've loved chipmunks ever since, so have a gratuitously cute picture:



That jumble sale was memorable to me for another reason. Pride of place on one table was a book, a philosophy book. It was a logical discussion of "game theory", the idea that life can be lived by the rules and attitudes associated with playing games. It goes something like this:

- Playing to win ends the game and makes the loser feel bad
- Losing the game makes us feel bad and is really easy to do
- Playing for a draw is stimulating, challenging and draws the game out indefinitely

This solidified some theories and ideas that I'd been working out in my own head for ages. I played chess very badly so had decided maybe a year earlier to play each game in a way that would make the game last as long as possible. The best games i remember were ones where we were reduced to one piece each, or my king and the opponents king and queen or knight or something. I'd be moving slowly around the board, avoiding the corners, trying to pre-emt the trapping moves my opponent is sure to make. My king was the the slipperiest king ever, trudging his way around the board, avoiding every trap, escaping eevry check and frustrating my opponent royally.

I lived by my own iteration of "game theory" for years, everything I did geared to the perpetuation of the game. It's very liberating to think of life as a game and to decide to play it in a non-competetive way, recognising the tactics of other players and attempting not only to frustrate someone's winning tactics, but trying to enhance someone's losing game so they too can continue to play.

As happens in philosophical thought, my theories and ideas have evolved over the years and what I believe and live by these days bears little resemblance to what I read in that book but there's still elements of it there. What was interesting at the time was to discover that the ideas in my own head had been discussed and written about in academia, had been contemplated by the great and good of the philosophical community. That gave my confidence a boost. I'd had my own invention, my own thinking, my own theories validated by the philosophical commnunity and I never knew. Excellent!

Here's a wish:

Seen on a Newsgroup, so right click and save it before it disappears

Tip 144:

The best time for him to have sex is at 9am, when his testosterone level is highest. Check it out for yourself!

Hang on...aren't most people at work by 9am? I've obviously been working in the wrong offices.

Thanks to the handy Infra Red USB link I bought some months ago, I can create and upload my own ringtones and wallpaper for our three Nokia's.

Charlie's has the Crazy Frog for both. Immersion therapy - Hopefully it'll be too embarrassing to keep after it's gone off a few times in public.

I have a closeup of dew on a leaf and vary my ringtone between "The Goodies" theme tune and birdsong, which gets annoying at dusk as I keep thinking the blackbirds in the garden are ringing me. The SMS tone is a sneeze and never fails to turn heads.

My business phone has what looks like black crumpled paper and Bob Marley's "Jammin" for a ringtone.

So what's on your phone?