Ack! I've been trying to put together a post about what happened today, but I just can't seem to string a sentence together.

Well, in short Bethan flooded the bathroom - one inch of water and twenty minutes to get it off the floor before I needed to get up the road to fetch Allison from school and go to a birthday party.

Joy.

When I get to school, dripping wet with sweat and mucky ankles, totally unready to interact with a dozen or so mums and dads, I find out that Allison's decided that half her dinner would look better on her t-shirt, so on our way to the party - which starts exactly 45 minutes after school ends - we have to go buy a new t-shirt.

Joy (part two, the revenge).

So we head to the nearest shops. Nothing doing. Apart from the rain, which starts in earnest while I'm standing at a bus stop in nothing but a gilet. Oh it's waterproof alright, it's a good 'un. My torso is nice and dry, nice and warm. Arms? Legs? already squelchy shoes? Don't ask.

Luckily, next to the bus stop is one of those ever-present, never-useful tat-for-a-quid shops. In we sprint. I drop a shiny gold coin on the counter and ask where their umbrellas are. Cue flash of evil enjoyment as I grab a big colourful brolly and walk out, looking for all the world as if I'm blatantly shoplifting.

So now I'm not in any immediate fear of drowning on my feet. While we wait for the bus, another two families have the same idea. For some reason, the bus took ages to turn up. So we get to the next batch of shops with 15 minutes to go. No problem. The place is only five minutes round the corner. The rain really means it now, so even with the new umbrella aloft, it's a good idea to leg it.

Two shops later, we have a new t-shirt and we can finally head off on the last leg of our journey - and we'll just be in time.

Only there are a couple of problems:

One is a car crash not far from where we live, which has caused a traffic jam right up to where we are, three miles away.

The other is that we're caught a mile from the centre of Birmingham's...Moseley's second tornado of the year.

Let me tell you what it's like to be stuck in a tornado-type storm. It's like someone got a really big bucket and tipped it over you. It gets really heavy, then as heavy as you've eevr seen it, then heavier again. It gets so heavy that your cheapo umbrella stops working. It starts raining inside that umbrella and you're left standing there looking up, wondering what's going on and looking stupid because you're standing under a crap umbrella that doesn't keep the rain off. Drivers turn into sadistic twats as they aquaplane gleefully through the two inch deep lakes that used to be roads, soaking anyone insane enough to walk within ten feet of them - which is, of course, everyone, because the pavement is wide, yes, but only ten feet wide.

The bus took another 40 minutes to arrive. We eventually got to the party with five minutes left of the first hour - the hour she was looking forward to, where you get to race unstoppably around a jungle of soft shapes and slides filled two feet deep with big plastic balls. She dives in, jumps on her friend, heads for a ladder...

And is called out for part two - food and party games. Very unsatisfying. Tears ensued.

All was eventually well though. Not wanting the party to be a faliure, the nice people at the Wacky Warehouse gave her a free half hour go in the ball jungle after the party, so all was smiles and balloons and slushies all the way home.

And I tell you, it's a day I'm really glad to call "over".

Y'know, "unsatisfying" is an excellent word for everything that's happened today. Unsatisfying and tiring and unsettling. And wet.

G'night.

P.S. - Thanks to Swiss Toni for reminding me how crap I am at Pub Quizzes. And congrats to T'Urban Fox on the first anniversary and the shiny new home, too.

P.P.S. - Yeah, well it started off being short, didn't it?

In case you're wondering, the pics in my photostream can be found in the photosets below:

A Few snaps of the aftermath of Hurricane Stan
and something a bit closer to home, Flooding in Scotland, Cumbria and Wales from yesterday.

And I do promise to do something personal soon. Maybe something for the fabled Half Nekkid Thursday.

"Half whatnow?" I hear you ask...

Oh, you know:

Ever feel like you wait a long time in the take-away?

Whoever wanted these noodles is still waiting four thousand years later!

Well waddya know, I've found a template I like!

Apart from the obvious, there's some smaller changes, too -

The "Donate Now" button now points to the DEC donation form for the South Asian Earthquake, and I've made my photo feed a little more prominent - the plan is to shift the balance away from web-sourced photos and towards more personal stuff.

Whether it works out that way, I don't know, but we'll see what happens.

For now, isn't this template lovely?

Blogger just ate my meme!

I just completed the iPod Oracle meme from Swiss Toni's Place, then Blogger crapped out on me and lost half the post.

As I'm not nearly organised (or bothered) enough to use Notepad or something to draft my posts, you'll just have to wait until I'm not being leant on by a clingy, permanently hungry three year old.

So, everyone's posting pictures of their bookshelves, then:



This is the one from our living room.

We do have a few more books than that, however - five bulging banana packing boxes full of them that will eventually go on not-bought-yet shelves in the bedroom. Amongst the unseen collection are loads of textbooks from my Uni days, a 160+ strong collection of Doctor Who novels, quite a few teen horror books and a few hundred more books that could be described as "eclectic".

Yes, that pitiful and unsorted pile on the left is my CD collection - easily recognisable are "Never mind the bollocks" and Peter Gabriel's "Us". Upstairs, we have a cupboard full of classical CD's and a whole stack of others. Can't even remember what's there to be honest.

Not exactly the DJ-class uber-collections posted by some, but there you go.

Have a picture of my main collection:

Much kudos to anyone who spots an individual album on that.

It was National Poetry day yesterday, and to belatedly celebrate, I'm going to regale you with one of my favourite poems.

What is it, I (don't) hear you cry:

That one that starts "They fuck you up, your mum and dad"
or maybe one of Waggledagger's sonets?
a Psalm (as if!)?

Nope, one of my favourite poets is John Keats, who wrote some of the most achingly beautiful verse I've ever read.

He lived a full, but unrewarding life of make and mend, poverty and debauchery, succumbing eventually to consumption and died at the tender age of 26.

Rather than subject you to a full rendition of Endymion, or La Belle Dame Sans Merci, here's one of my all time favourite Keats poems:

Give me women, wine, and snuff
Untill I cry out "hold, enough!"
You may do so sans objection
Till the day of resurrection:
For, bless my beard, they aye shall be
My beloved Trinity.

I sometimes wonder, after reading the latest posts on my favourite blogs, whether I shouldn't post something a little more soul-searching, delve into my psyche and get all my worries and fears out there into the great beyond.

I used to. In my teenage years, I wrote copiously, spilling all of my angst out on paper, then sharing it with no-one but the bin in my room.

I think since then, I've been sort of spent, like I've maybe used up my quota of literary soul searches.

Also, I'm someone who tackles problems quietly, doesn't make a big deal of them. I can sit down and fret about something quietly to myself for a couple of hours, come to a conclusion, make peace with my worry or panic or uncomfortableness and get on with the job at hand. Now this infuriates Charlie because I have invariably dreamed up a solution to any given problem before she's even realised how much of a problem it's going to be. But no, I'm not really someone who airs his linen in public all that much.

Besides, from the look of what some of you are writing, you've got more than enough troubles of your own without me laying any more on you. This is supposed to be entertainment isn't it?

I actually had my first driving lesson today. Oh yes. Me. In a car. Driving!

Never thought it would happen.

And mighty scary and exciting it was too.

Highlights include:

Being told to pull away and drive just ten minutes into the lesson.
Making my first right turn like I was in a rally (what brake??).
Shifting down from third - THIRD GEAR! Woo! - flawlessly.
Managing to not quite completely drive directly over a mini-roundabout.
"You look quite relaxed." "You should feel my muscles!"
I only stalled twice. Once at a junction and once when pulling over.
Driving on the wrong side of the road and not realising.
The instructor has the same name as my mother.
She also tried to pull the seatbelt off the wall.

At the end she told me I'd done quite well for my first lesson. I was still shaking and glowing with pride two hours later. Chuffed as a steam engine!

I could get used to this driving lark.

Next time, she's threatened me with three point turns. At this rate, I'll have passed my test by christmas!

Some idiot's hiding comments in my archives, so I'm reluctantly turning that cursed verification on.

Now I've got to trawl back through two years of posts and prune them out.

Bollocks.

"G...G...Granville! F..Fetch a cloth!"

Ronnie Barker, Comedy genius
1929 - 2005

Thanks to the 100% cloud cover, I didn't even notice this going on.

Boo!

Yeah, I've gone a bit quiet. That's because I've got genuinely nothing to talk about, apart from Lordy B requesting a fillum review, which fills me with trepidation as a) I can never settle on a favourite and b) the other reviewers are scarily loquacious.

Not to let the side down, I'm trying to narrow it down. Here's the shortlist:

Lord of the Rings (too obvious)
Weekend at Bernies (Waddya mean worst film ever?)
Contact
Serenity (Haven't seen it yet, but I bet I'm gonna have something to say about it)
Judge Dredd
The Breakfast Club
Monty Python's "Life of Brian" ("'E's not the Messiah, 'E's a very naughty boy!")
Galaxy Quest ("I see you managed to get your shirt off")
The Last Starfighter
Logan's Run
Casablanca
Dogma

Sorry, did I say shortlist?

I may have to watch them all over again to decide between them. I'd be open to taking votes from you lot, too.

By the way, has anyone been playing with that HotorNot badge?

How do the high volume sellers cope??

Just about ten minutes left on my Ebay auctions and the only query I've had is from people trying to rip me off!

And I can't drag my eyes away. I desperately want to get up, walk around, do something else, but instead I keep refreshing the page, waiting, hoping that someone's going to put their hand in their pocket.

Gaah! It's killing me!

Um...

Panic not over.

The PC's dead. I've borrowed one off my Dad. And it's slower. Stunningly slower.

I could murder someone, dispose of the body, get caught years later, go down for a 25 stretch, come out and it would still be booting up.

Heigh Ho, Heigh Ho, it's off to Ebuyer we go!

Bollocks.

For those of you who are wondering what "Lost"'s comment below is all about, look here.

Life, sometimes, is good.

In other news, Graham and Mark have posted a meme about celebrity lookalikes. Someone once told me I looked like Trent Reznor, lead singer of Nine Inch Nails. I'll spare you a picture.

Suffice to say she was slightly mental and trying to get laid. Alcohol may also have had something to do with it.

We never had one of these at our school. I've never liked them really. You see, you can stick a vending machine full of Mars Bars, Snickers, Coca Cola, Tango and crisps just about anywhere. There's a good number of them in Birmingham's Childrens' Hospital, which to my mind kind of defeats the object of a place where people go to get more healthy. The same argument can be levelled at the ones they put in Sports centres and schools.

They should give more thought to what's actually in the machines and the message the venue is trying to put across.

And from September, that's just what schools have to do. At long last, the Government has put out some good legislation. From the beginning of next year, sweets and high-fat foods and drinks are to be banned from schools.

Now that's a good idea!

Panic over.

It appears that having a motherboard reach 50 degrees celcius isn't good for performance.

I took the side off the box, the temperature dropped a whopping 15 degrees while I watched! Everything's fine now, oddly enough.

Still, don't let it put you off buying a laptop.

My PC is dying!

It keeps freezing up at random intervals, which I assume means the motherboard is giving up the ghost.

So someone please buy one of my Laptops so I can afford a replacement!

Pretty please...

You are a Social Liberal (80% permissive) and an... Economic Liberal (21% permissive) You are best described as a: Socialist Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid

Hmm, whatever. Dumb America-centric questions. Gotta pidgeonhole everyone.

Blame Graham for this one:

10 years ago - 1995 - Oh Er Um. '92 to '97 is kind of a blur. Variously college, clubbing, pubbing. I think I'd just moved into my batchelor pad: a one bedroom council flat where I took the door off the bedroom, the curtains down, covered the walls in posters, listening to lots of rock music, hanging out with my friends, all of which were female, one of which I hadn't snogged.

5 years ago - 2000 - Our first year in this house. One kid, five pets. Making friends with psychopaths and being called "pervert" in the street because the neighbours' kids came round begging to be video'd. We got broken into - they took the camcorder, my pager and a mobile phone. We reckon it was the psychotic neighbour who thought we were perverts.

1 year ago - Two kids, three pets. The year of our second family holiday. Downloading loads of stuff, getting on with life. Now I think about it, a bit of a stationary year.

Yesterday - Stayed in, did a bit of shopping in Northfield. BBQ chicken drumsticks and vile nachos for tea.

Tomorrow - School for Allison, three year checkup at hospital for Bethan (routine, nothing wrong). Need to pay the bills and renew my bus pass, have to get washing powder.

5 snacks I enjoy - Pakoras, sandwiches, pepperami, a handful of prawns while I'm looking through the fridge, Chow Mein post noodle.

5 bands/artists that I know the lyrics to most of their songs - Fairground Attraction, UB40, Deacon Blue, The Police, um.

5 things I would do with $100,000,000 - Buy a farm, sort the folks out, travel the world, do "Good Deeds", invest.

5 locations I'd like to run away to - pick a cave, any cave.

5 bad habits I have - Cutting the hard skin off the back of my heel with a razor blade, picking my nose and wiping it (instead of flicking it, which Charlie wouldn't have a problem with), smelly farts in bed, dunno about any others, but they're the big 'uns.

5 things I like doing - Not watching the kids channels, going for long walks, going on holiday, swimming, shopping.

5 TV shows I like(d) - Star Trek, Hitch Hikers Guide to the galaxy, Dr who, Firefly, Lost.

5 movies I like - LOTR (counting as one BIIIG film), The Fabulous Baker Boys, Bridget Jones's Diary, Star Wars (1977 ORIGINAL CUT), The Abyss.

5 famous people I would like to meet - Ya know what, I have no desire to meet anyone particularly famous. Really. They've got their life and I don't belong anywhere near it and I'm actually quite comfortable not being anywhere near a famous life.

5 biggest joys at the moment - Swimming, the kids when they're behaving, days when we've got the house to ourselves, downloading our favourite US shows now all the new seasons have started, stretching out and luxuriating in bed.

5 favorite toys - the Pc and four items from our bedroom toy drawer. Not telling. Ner ner.

I hereby tag...all of yo'.
-------------------------

1) What stickers do you have on your car, if any?
Well, when I've finally got it back, I'd quite like to collect stickers from the places we will visit. Might not be enough room on the windows, though.

2) How/where did your last bf/gf say I love you.
Opened her mouth and words came out. In bed, last night.

3) What do you hear right now?
Delia Smith. The computer, Bethan pissing around. Charlie shouting at her.

4) If you could drink anything right this second, what would it be?
Water.

5) Does anything hurt on your body right now?
There's a slight pressure in my sinuses and my shoulder aches vaguely.

6) If __________ died, you would laugh and spit on his/her grave.
Yes. And he probably knows it.

7) What's your job position called?
Proprietor. Apparently I'm not allowed to call myself Managing Director.

8) What size ring do you wear?
Ain't got a clue.

9) Do you own a picture phone?
Aye. The TARDIS picture came off it.

10) What's your bf/gf's birthday?
May 27th.

11) What's your Mom's favorite band/musician?
Dunno really. It's a bit changeable. I know it was Bruce Springsteen at one point.

12) What's your Dad's favorite band/musician?
Sinatra. Frank.

13) What was your elementary school's mascot?
Didn't have one.

14) What's your favorite bottled water?
The big Vittel bottles because they're small enough for my pocket but too big to swig back in one go.

15) What's the next concert/show you're going to and when?
Most probably something involving squeaky voices and tinsel. December.

16) What were you doing at 9 pm last night?
Making BBQ chicken and finding a bowl for crap nachos.

17) What's your favorite Starbucks drink?
I believe both sexes of Starbuck are quite partial to whiskey. Can't say I blame them (Battlestar Galactica reference there, folks. Never been into the coffee shop and quite happy about it).

18) Do you exercise as much as you should?
More than I was a fortnight ago, but probably not enough.

19) Did you attend your High School prom?
That would have been quite an event at our single sex school. Urgh.

20) Would you give your bf/gf a second chance if they cheated on you?
Well, it depends. If she cheated on me with a woman, I'd want to be involved next time. With a man, I don't think so, but we'd stay together. She doesn't get off that lightly.

My eyes sting and I stink of chlorine.

Three hours in the water tonight, the kids have both passed out and Charlie just spent 90 minutes preparing for an early night.

Me? Coming to terms with the evidence that the laptops that are supposed to be my saving grace don't actually seem to sell and reminiscing thanks to Graham's trip back to 1995.

OK, so here's the news. I'm selling pretty nifty, state-of-the-art Laptops on Ebay.

This is part one of my masterplan.

Part two involves getting people to pay me to teach them stuff they want to know about their computers - from how to use MS Office, to how to administer a small network, to how to strip down and rebuild their PC.

After that comes the easy bit - sourcing and providing the I.T. Hardware to complete sales or projects people pay me to do.

And it's all under the auspices of my very own company:



I even bought an address to go with it. There's not much there right now, but www.lithaborn.co.uk is all mine.

The downside is that these high value items tend to attract scammers, and sure to form, I've had to spend the whole night awake communicating with someone who says they live in Holland, but registered with Ebay US and wants me to urgently post the Laptop to Lagos, Nigeria.

As If.

So I've spent some time trying to trip this buyer up, or have them removed from Ebay. Ebay doesn't look too kindly on you if you leave some important contact information out when you sign up and it just so happens that this buyer hasn't registered a phone number - so I reported them.

I've also banned them from bidding on any of my other items.

I can't afford to get defrauded or scammed straight out of the starting gate, so right from day one, it's time to play hardball.

I'll let you know how things go.

Now, the next thing on the list is to sign off the dole. I might put that off until I actually sell a couple of Laptops to genuine people though - just in case.

I'm watching "this Morning" at the moment...

Yes, I know, but bear with me.

There's a story on now about a chap that's gone from 44 stone - Fourty Four Stone! - to 17 stone, which I think is what I am now.

It's a great story and good luck to him. He does it by walking five miles every couple of days. Now, just by our house is a canal with a towpath that leads right into the city centre, which just happens to be about five or six miles away.

The only problem is - and this is a weird thing - my gout stops me walking too far. It's weird because while I was away, I did things and ate things that should have crippled me, but they didn't. But you see, the day i got back, I walked the mile and a half to the local Sainsbury's and came back with a pain in my foot.

This crappy city's no good for my health. I've felt almost out of breath since I got back, my foot's been a constant niggle and I can't seem to drink enough.

Bloody city.

Allison got her tooth knocked out in a fight yesterday.

No, don't worry. It was a very wobbly one that was probably going to go sometime this week anyway, but she happened to be sitting next to a couple of kids who were fighting, copped a stray slap and out it popped.

So her new name is "Gappy" and the tooth fairy left her a nice shiny pair of 50p pieces this morning. Unfortunately that means that the tooth fairy has just £1.20 to last the rest of the week, but never mind. It was worth it to see the look on her face this morning when she opened that little envelope.

We went swimming tonight, me and the kids, while Charlie went to her Aromatherapy night class.

Doesn't seem like much of an event, does it? But y'see, the thing is that in the past six years, I've only interacted with people outside the family in the evening a handful of times and almost never ventured out with the kids around dusk.

To me, it was a watershed. I feel like I'm finally getting some semblance of a social life back. And it's about time.

Not that it was easy - Bethan is a little adrenaline freak. She was just a tiny bit too small to go down the big water slide on her own, so I had to take her, so I had the great pleasure of listening to her scream and shriek in thrilled enjoyment through the bends and drops on the 30 second trip into the meter deep catch pool at the bottom. I'd go under and push myself back to my feet to check she's OK, only to find her already powering off to have another go. Nutter!

Allison, on the other hand,is a much calmer prospect. She just wants lessons, or to paddle around in the deep end, where I stand on tiptoe and wrestle the slightly worried kid from around my neck. But in her own way, that is a major achievement. I still can't believe how far she's come from the girl who'd freak out if some shower water got in her eyes just two weeks ago, and there she was tonight, happily trolling around in water that's a whole 18 inches too deep for her, splashing and bobbing around when the wave machine started and having a wonderful time.

I'm fucking knackered, they are too. But it's that really excellent knackered that comes from doing something really good together.

And just to add to the joy, the 70lbs I could do with losing is going fast!

Tomorrow should be an interesting day. For the first time in ages, we'll have the house to ourselves for a while. I know how I'd like to be spending the morning, but unfortunately, I think we'll probably spend it washing and mucking out the puppies before they go to their new home - the Blue Cross shelter in Bromsgrove, where they'll be cared for and only homed to people who've passed their stringent vetting procedures and stumped up £70. A much better prospect than if we tried to home them ourselves. Then in a few weeks, when we've paid off the mounting bills this month, Suki their mum is off to get neutered. No way we're going through that hassle again.

Ah, the mundane mediocrity of a normal life. It's eluded me for so long, it sounds like sheer nirvana.

I just joined in this meme on Mark's blog, so here's my end of the deal:

Leave your name and
1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.*
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal. You MUST. It's the law.

*may not apply to male respondents.

NASA wants to go back to the moon. With Iraq costing millions a day, the rebuilding of Louisiana reportedly costing almost as much, everyone's wondering just where the money's coming from.

But you know what, I hope they do it.

Going back on the moon, a permanent base, missions to Mars all in my lifetime? I'll have a piece of that!

Let's face it, with all the shite that's going on here on Earth, we need something hopeful and exciting to look forward to. Humanity doesn't spend enough time staring into space and dreaming.

OK, I'm a Doctor Who fan, but I swear the kids asked to have their photo taken in front of this genuine Police Box in Scarborough, just over the road from Winking Willy's, an outstanding harbourside cafe which does the most amazingly fresh fish and chips and where we forced our way through a truly gutbusting 22 ounces of prime battered haddock each on Friday.

I never want fish again.

There are very few thrills to beat watching your kids learn to swim. I watched our three year old girl dive without fear into four feet of water, resurface, cough, splutter, swim to the side of the pool, climb out and try again. It's probably the bravest, stupidest thing she could have done and I could not have been more scared and more proud.

I watched my six year old girl - scared of water to the point of hating washing her hair - go from dabbling her feet in the jacuzzi to paddling around happily out of her depth, enjoying playing splashing games with her family. She's come so amazingly far. She cried when we let for the last time. Now she wants to go every day after school.

It's so lucky we have a swimming pool - well, three swimming pools - within a couple of miles.

Wonderful, wonderful girls. Events like that make up for all the times they drive me crazy.

You cannot imagine how much I don't want to be here. Back to the same smelly streets, plodding the same too-well-trodden routes to the same old bus stops, wading through the same old crap in the shops.

We're back from an excellent holiday. We spend three hours a day messing about in the campsite swimming pool, visited an excellent restaurant where we ate fish that had been caught that morning and travelled all of two hundred yards instead of being quick-frozen and transported 180 miles, and we got sunburn. On the beach. In September. In Yorkshire. That's how good our holiday was.

And we come back and the first thing we have to do is mop dried dogshit out of our devastated libing room carpet because no-one wanted to look after our dogs while we took the holiday we were forced into taking.

We come back to a cesspit. Do our friends, our family really think we live this way? Do they seriously think we're happy to let animals crap and piss over every part of our house? Do they think we'd allow animals to set up home in the entrance hall when we've got to walk through there with a week's worth of luggage?

I'm fucking steaming angry. The house stinks and isn't fit for habitation. We've already been on rightmove.co.uk for places to rent anywhere but here.

Yeah, welcome home us.

Standing in the open air

So, after i cleared the cache out of my phone, it let
me log on to yahoo. Right now Im walking to the chippy
for a well earned fish n chip supper. Chances are Ill
be doing the same tomorrow night, only in Filey.

___________________________________________________________
How much free photo storage do you get? Store your holiday
snaps for FREE with Yahoo! Photos http://uk.photos.yahoo.com

This is how the world's richest country treats its own citizens. Rescue workers, soldiers mill around with no orders and no authority. Dead bodies lie in the stagnant waters for two weeks. Ignored, rotting.

Question: What qualifies America as the best people to run another country?

Hurricane Katrina is truly America's most shameful hour.

Mark's humdingers:

1. if you change one thing, anything, what would it be?

Time is one of my favourite subjects. I surround myself with timepieces - watches, clocks, calendars, timetables. I can just sit there and watch the seconds tick by in fascination sometimes.

It's the whole linear thing - to see little measurements of time going by like that, knowing how many have gone before, how many are to follow. It's wonderful meditation material!

As a consequence, I've spent many an hour idly philosophising about that very question. What would I change? What are the consequences of that change?

If you go back and ensure the world wars don't happen, what then? There's millions of people - in an already overcrowded Europe - still alive who would otherwise have died. What would those millions do? What are the consequences of all those lives being altered so fundamentally. They go on to raise families, contribute to economies, to world events. The balance of power is fundamentally altered. Russia stands as a looming presence on the edge of Europe. With no German army to hold them back, and no Western Alliance to work with, they stand alone and unanswerable. What then?

How about ensuring Jesus is freed instead of crucified? The christian church ceases to exist. Judaism is suddenly the only world religion. Or is it? Does that benevolent action lead to a new respect for the Roman empire? Does Judaism slowly dissappear in favour of Roman pantheism? What of Islam? Would jesus ever be acknowledged as the Jewish messiah? If God sent Muhammad as the final messiah, charged with putting god's message to humanity right, then would Muhammad have been chosen, if Jesus's mission had been a success?

Stop the meteorite from hitting earth and killing the dinosaurs off? Would humanity exist? Would our prehistoric mammalian ancestors have been given the supreme opportunity towards dominance if the dinosaurs - who had got on with life and evolution very nicely thank you for hundreds of millions of years - hadn't been wiped off the face of the planet?

Stop Kennedy being killed? He'd already sown the seeds of the space race and seen off Cuban Communism. What else would he have been capable of? What if there'd been no "curse of the Kennedys" and he would have begun a dynasty of inbred seemingly benevolent but increasingly unhinged American leaders? Would Marilyn Munroe have died?

Stop the Israelis and Palestinians fighting? No, that was always going to happen (and was Britain's fault, just like the Iran/Iraq instability was Britains' fault).

No, despite all the attractions of having the power to change just one thing, I'd say I'd change precisely nothing. It takes far more strength to let things be and allow all the terrible bloodshed and atrocities than to risk the consequences of a rash action.

2. who will play you in the film of your life?

In my youth, no-one. Let's draw a welcome veil over that embarrassing part of my history.

Formative years? Oh I dunno, the bloke who played Frodo Baggins would be good.

Parenthood and later life? Mandy Patinkin. Watch "Dead Like Me". He's cool, he's in charge and he's got just the right amount of pathos.

3. what attracts you to your philosophy of life?

Choice and comfort. It's sprituality with no luggage. It's being aware of the divine in the world around us without all the proscriptive baggage of an organised religion. Religion definitely isn't a good word to describe my spirituality. Philosophy fits much better.

4. are you ever wrong?

Oh yes, but not for long.

5. Is "The Dark Side Of The Moon" over-rated?

I think it's genius, the way they synchronised it with "The Wizard of Oz".

Lord Bargain's interview:

1. When will the world end?

After consulting the crystal ball of fortune, the tarot of success and the mystical bones of justice, I see that the world will end at 12:45pm on the 7th September 2005.

Oh.

Bloody new age partworks.

2. Who would win a fight between a lion and a tiger?

At two minutes to the hour, Jack Bauer comes haring across the serengetty in a tank masquerading as a common or garden SUV, leaps out and frantically holds a gun to the Lion's head.

"Where's the hyena's hideout? Where's the hyena's hideout? I will shoot you!"

BopBipBopBip...

3. Will 24 hour drinking leads to increased alcoholism and crime, or a more relaxed drinking culture?

Naturally, 24 hour drinking will lead to the end of western civilisation as we know it. City Centres will become no-go zones, drink related crime will increase exponentially until they have to turn the entire Isle of Wight into one vast Bettie Ford Clinic.

We will see rampaging mobs of career drunks roaming the streets, looting every supermarket and off-license for fresh supplies of thunderbird, 20/20 and tennants super.

Or maybe there'll be a month of chaos, then everyone settles down.

4. What’s your favourite and least favourite accents?

I love the Welsh accent. Mostly because I spent my youth listening to it on magical holidays and because Gareth Thomas - Blake of Blakes' 7 - is Welsh and was the first hero figure I remember having.

If there's an accent I can say I can't bear, it's maybe the German accent - and this is nothing to do with the War, Basil. There's a guttoral quality to it that just makes my spine itch.

5. Will the meek inherit the earth?

Who'd want it? Can we change the Will to include Mars?

The simplest ideas are often the best. In a similar vein to the fascinating Postsecret is a new site set up by a friend of JustAGirl.

Somebody Has A Secret...

Panic over.

The holiday we've been given by my Mum was looking like it was unaffordable, but now she's added a bit of pocket money to the deal, which dispels all of my fears.

Now we just have the house-cleaning left to tackle, which will probably take all of the remaining four days - and which is going to be pretty much all on my shoulders. Joy.

And is it just us, or is everyone noticing a huge amount of Daddy Long-Legs around this year?

We're getting about ten a night - ten more than we usually see in a week - all of which get the RAID treatment. Charlie hates them with a passion, so the whole place now smells like fly spray. Lovely.

Meet the next American President:

Possibly.

OK, so it's old news, but my healthy lack of interest in American politics meant I only discovered that the Democrats are expected to put Hillary Clinton up as their Presidential Candidate in 2008 this morning when I heard a report on the political and beaurocratic crapfest surrounding the fallout from Hurricane Katrina. She's asking for an investigation into the whole affair.

Good luck to her, I say. Can't do any worse than Bush, can she?

The Musicoutfitters top 100 part 2: 1992 (the year I finished my 'A' levels)

1. End Of The Road, Boyz II Men
2. Baby Got Back, Sir Mix A-lot (Well, ya gotta, ain't ya?)
3. Jump, Kris Kross
4. Save The Best For Last, Vanessa Williams
5. Baby-Baby-Baby, TLC
6. Tears In Heaven, Eric Clapton
7. My Lovin' (You're Never Gonna Get It), En Vogue
8. Under The Bridge, Red Hot Chili Peppers
9. All 4 Love, Color Me Badd
10. Just Another Day, Jon Secada
11. I Love Your Smile, Shanice
12. To Be With You, Mr. Big
13. I'm Too Sexy, Right Said Fred
14. Black Or White, Michael Jackson
15. Achy Breaky Heart, Billy Ray Cyrus
16. I'll Be There, Mariah Carey
17. November Rain, Guns N' Roses
18. Life Is A Highway, Tom Cochrane
19. Remember The Time, Michael Jackson
20. Finally, CeCe Peniston
21. This Used To Be My Playground, Madonna
22. Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough, Patty Smyth
23. Can't Let Go, Mariah Carey
24. Jump Around, House Of Pain
25. Diamonds and Pearls, Prince and The N.P.G.
26. Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me, George Michael and Elton John
27. Masterpiece, Atlantic Starr
28. If You Asked Me To, Celine Dion
29. Giving Him Something He Can Feel, En Vogue
30. Live and Learn, Joe Public
31. Come and Talk To Me, Jodeci
32. Smells Like Teen Spirit, Nirvana
33. Humpin' Around, Bobby Brown
34. Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover, Sophie B. Hawkins Nothing to do with the naked photoshoot she did around the same time, honest.
35. Tell Me What You Want Me To Do, Teven Campbell
36. Ain't 2 Proud 2 Beg, TLC
37. It's So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday, Boyz II Men
38. Move This, Technotronic
39. Bohemian Rhapsody, Queen
40. Tennessee, Arrested Development
41. The Best Things In Life Are Free, Luther Vandross and Janet Jackson
42. Make It Happen, Mariah Carey
43. The One, Elton John
44. Set Adrift On Memory Bliss, P.M. Dawn
45. Stay, Shakespear's Sister
46. 2 Legit 2 Quit, Hammer
47. Please Don't Go, K.W.S.

Well the WAP sites run happily enough through this nifty little Windows-based WAP browser, but when I try to use them on my phone, they're not so happy. Oh well, back to the drawing board.

testing

Well, the Yahoo wap site doesn't want to work on my phone, so I'm
trying Gmail instead, from the nice people at gmobile.hopto.org

--
>> http://hedgewitch.blogspot.com <<

testing mobile sending

I've sent this test post through a WAP browser to see
if I can email a few blog entries with my phone while
I'm on holiday. Why? because I'm sad!

___________________________________________________________
Yahoo! Messenger - NEW crystal clear PC to PC calling worldwide with voicemail http://uk.messenger.yahoo.com

In 24 hours' time, I'll be the father of a six-year-old.

In 48 Hours' time, I'll be the father of a six year old whos just had her first day in year 1 of school.

I may also have signed on for the penultimate time.

In 168 hours' time, Graham will probably be sitting in this very spot.

Between Monday night and Friday night I will be variously cleaning the house, taking and retrieving Allison from school, packing and repacking suitcases, shopping for groceries, trying not to trample puppies underfoot, gathering information for the Business Plan, using up the last of my DVD-r's clearing some space for more downloads, having arguments about whether or not we can afford to go on holiday in the first place, watching the long-term weather forecast for East Yorkshire like a hawk and a dozen other things on top.

I'm not entirely sure that sleep will figure on the agenda much.

It bloody well will appear on the agenda once we're firmly ensconced in our holiday apartment in Filey.

As a rule, I don't remember my dreams. When I do, they're banal - shopping with the family, a day at work, things like that.

So the dream I had last night kinda stood out.

I dreamed that Lord Bargain, Swiss Toni, The Urban Fox and Graham were sharing a flat. Oddly enough (and this is absolutely no representation of my opinion of anyone's sexuality) everyone who visited their flat ended up blogging the following passage - "Somehow, I got shagged up the bum! I don't know how it happened, but I think someone got me drunk...". Weird, eh?

Anyway, in this dream, I wasn't going out with Charlie. Don't know if we'd split up or what, but I was in the process of meeting this blonde Jennifer Tilley soundalike (only british).

Now just lately my Dad's been taking me shopping of a Saturday morning. Sometimes I pay, sometimes he pays. This was the scenario for my dream, this new girlfriend person met my dad, then came round for dinner with Mom, who responded to her introduction with a pithy comment. The rest of the dream was took up reassuring this girl that it was still a good idea to date me.

When I told Charlie about the dream, I got drilled mercilessly about this other woman. Damned if I can't even get away with a bit of infidelity even in my dreams!

The meaning, I think, was to reassure me that the recent animosity between Charlie and my Mum isn't personal, that it's just the usual "protective mother resenting the woman who's taken her boy away" thing.

In the long run, I think it might have been easier for my subconscious to write me a note. Maybe then I might not be in the doghouse for dreaming about shagging someone else...even though I didn't. Tsk.

Why am I still awake?

1) Cos it's bin day and we needed to clean the kitchen, filling three bags with fuck only knows what.

2) Cos I've just been watching the pilot episode of Firefly.

I may pass out soon though.

It's not insomnia, it's necessity.

Despite having thousands of links in my Favourites folder, and despite all the goodness that the internet holds, I find myself completely stumped for new things to do on the web.

Suggestions, anyone?

I don't get it. I really don't. Your city is under water, you have no electric, no food, no clean water. There are dead bodies floating past you and the most powerful man in the world is hovering over your head in a Government warcopter.

So what good is that new TV, that new computer going to do you? What twisted logic leads you to take potshots at the rescue copters evacuating 20,000 people from a football stadium?

Looting food, water I could understand. Just about. But these people are raiding electrical shops, gun shops. They're jacking cars and buses. People around the world are going to look at New Orleans and they're going to see the American people acting like this, and when America comes to those countries asking for aid in rebuilding Louisiana, what do you think the answer will be? These people are ambassadors, representatives of the United States and their message is going over loud and clear around the globe. Fuck the people, just grab as much as you can. It's the American way, isn't it? The acquisition of more things?

I heard on the radio this afternoon that people are calling this America's Tsunami. How crass. How selfish. How egotistical. A quarter of a million people died in the East Asian Tsunami. Untold millions were affected. Cities and towns on two continents were devastated. How can you look at a flood that's barely covered one city, barely killed a thousand people and put it on the same magnitude? How can you say that the deaths from Hurricane Katrina were as unavoidable and immediate as from the tsunami? These people had plenty of warning. They had every chance to get away.

I've also heard it said that the people doing the looting are as poor as the people from Indonesia who were devastated by the tsunami.

Are they serious? We're talking about the richest, proudest country in the world. They wouldn't let such abject poverty exist in one of their most major cities, would they? You seriously expect me to believe that right in the heart of America's Oil refining industry, there's people who survive on less than the basics - with little or no running water, meagre rations and living in tin huts?

If this is true, how can America bear to look the rest of the world in the face and lecture anyone about human rights and decent living standards? Why on earth should we accept that the American Way is the Right Way?

There's a quotation I heard once which says something like "The effectiveness of a state can be judged by its citizens". Following that rule, the US needs to be condemned in the strongest terms possible by as many people as possible.

And like the belligerent, cruel, hypocritical bully child it is, the US Government will take no notice whatsoever. Thoroughly disgusting.

We go on Holiday in ten days time. A week in Yorkshire.

It was a "gift" from my Mother.

It means we have to go when we need to pay £180 in bills, take Allison out of school for a week, abandon mother and ten puppies for a week and find temporary homes for a rabbit and a huge six month old, very boistrous puppy.

When I asked my mum for help solving one of these problems so we could all go on holiday instead of one of us having to stay behind to look after the animals she went crazy, accusing us of being ungrateful. Apparently I'm not supposed to bother her with practical problems and just be grateful for the holiday she'd booked for herself and my sister but had decided she wouldn't go on a few weeks earlier.

I've always made a point of not asking my parents for help. When a problem arises - any problem - my first thought is "how can we solve this ourselves?". This had led to many clashes and arguments between me and Charlie because her first thought is "Which parents should we get to bail us out of this one?". I've been nagged blind, or even tricked into accepting help we didn't need over the years, only to be let down or have to perform disgusting forfeits, like being nice to the man who once wanted to have me kidnapped and pushed off a cliff while he abducted my kids and forcibly adopted them.

I've been living on my own for thirteen years now. I think that's plenty of time to have cut the apron strings and to be standing on my own two feet, no matter how difficult the situation. I don't want to go to other people for help, I want to cope with what we've got.

Take last christmas, for example. Christmas, for Charlie, is the most important time of the year. There's a desperation that sets in around October time, and a manic need to enjoy the season that means we have to spend the whole of November and December (and January too) listening exclusively to Christmas songs. We have a DVD-r full of christmas MP3's. two weeks of continuous music.

She wants to spend every spare penny from September until Christmas Eve on presents. She worked out yesterday that if we spent £25 a week on shopping from now on, we could raise £1000 for Christmas.

I haven't checked her working out yet, but fuckin' hell!

Last Christmas was dire. I'd just been forced to quit a horrible job, my benefits weren't being paid and all we had to live off was what Charlie was getting in and what I could earn selling crap VHS movies on Ebay. Well, the videos netted us £300, which wasn't bad and was enough for me. Not for C. She borrowed £500 off her family (on top of the £400 she'd previously borrowed) so that she could mollify the manic desire to buy "enough presents for the kids" - a strange number, which changes every time she picks up the Argos catlogue or walks past Toys R Us.

On one level, I can understand where she's coming from. Her family brought her up on the verge of poverty, hardly bothering with presents for Christmas or Birthdays. Just a few years ago, a birthday present off her parents consisted of a punnet of fruit. So she has this psychological need to make sure her kids get a "good" christmas.

Her inability to cope with an "average" christmas that I could have provided singlehanded (It's no exaggeration that she probably would have had a nervous breakdown if we hadn't found some extra money from somewhere) means that we are now £1000 further in debt this christmas than we were last christmas, we can't borrow any more money off anyone and we're looking at a season with just a touch more money than last time. If we'd coped on our own, we would be able to cope this year - we'd be practised in turning virtually nothing into a passable Christmas. Now we have no-one to turn to and nothing to work with. I don't think she's realised that yet. She will when she reads this later today.

There is hope, however. I will soon be compiling a Business Plan for a business venture I know will work, which could give us something like £150 a week in disposable income. Added to that, I have another stash of crap videos which could raise some decent cash. On the whole, I think we can have a decent christmas without any help from anyone else. Unfortunately, I don't think "decent" will satisfy Charlie and I don't know how she's going to cope with that.

I'm off to work out a daily budget between now and Christmas so I can try and figure out where this £1000 is supposed to come from...

I wonder, now Bush has seen the devastation for himself, now an entire city has to be evacuated, now potentially thousands are dead, whether he still believes climate change isn't happening.

And isn't it good to see the true spirit of America emerging in the middle of this great tragedy? It's so heartening to hear that rescue efforts have been cut back in order to deal with the gangs of heavily armed looters. I do hope nobody dies because the police and armed forces were off arresting looters instead of dragging them out of their flooded homes.

Protect the stuff, fuck the people. Vote Bush in 2004. Hope you're proud, Middle America.

I've turned word verification off on the comments, so come on and let me know I'm not talking to myself here, huh?

Here's some itches I can't scratch:

Kenneth Clarke wants to be leader of the Conservative Party: Fucking ridiculous! Like Michael Howard, he's had to wait twenty years to dispel the shadows that kept him from power - namely Thatcher and Major's government. He wasn't good enough to run the party back then - and god knows he tried hard enough - so what does it say about the current tories that he stands a good chance now? It's simply laughable! And someone correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't Micheal Howard standing down to allow some new blood to show through? Ken Clarke is older than Howard! The Tories are a farce and Labour is being run by an egomaniacal autocrat - and will be when Blair steps down. It's a crying shame that the Lib Dems can't get a toehold. They're the only ones with a shred of dignity and decency left in Wesminster. Granted, there's not much to choose between, but if you had to pick the best of a bad lot...

Nanny Blair wants to ban "violent porn": It's startling revelation time (and I'm none too confident about this) - me and Charlie enjoy a bit of the old ropes, chains and leather stuff, nothing amazing - sexy outfits and mild to average bondage in the whole - but now and again, we go in for a bit of harder stuff, gleaning tying methods and safe practice hints from pics and videos we find online. Under the laws the UK Government is suggesting, we would be criminals several times over. Just for enjoying something a little kinky - OK, maybe a lot kinky, but here's the rub - I'm not about to go and kill anyone in a badly judged sex game - and neither are 99.999999999% of the people in the strong, well established and very active BDSM community in britain. For people that have no inclination towards the practise of bondage and sadomasochistic sex, it's utterly incomprehensible how anyone can enjoy being restrained and hurt as a part of sex play - and that's fair enough, it's a difficult idea to get your head round, but outlawing the presence of this kind of pornography over the internet is plain wrong. Yes, by all means cutout the foul snuff sites and "real rape" and "genuine asphyxiation" sites and the like, but there's a lot of middle ground there - there are sites out there devoted to the intense erotic value of BDSM, such as one of my favourites - insex.com - which deals with quite heavy rope bondage and full on erotic torture. Now how do I know it's erotic torture? How do I know the girls are enjoying it? Because that site has provided me with videos of some of the most earthshattering, intense, mindblowing orgasms I've ever seen a woman experience. I'l be honest and say that I aspire to the level of skill that could give Charlie pleasure that I've seen those heavily bound and tortured girls reach. And yes, you can tell it's genuine. Oh boy, can you ever.

But there's another issue, apart from my bedroom perversions. I'm sick of the kneejerk reactionary nannying that's going on all over the place. Someone drops dead during asphyxiation sex and immediately we must remove all trace of anything that might have influenced it. A boy is abducted mere yards from school and killed - suddenly every school must phone the parents of absentees the very moment the kid doesn't turn up. The Maths syllabus doesn't quite suit a half dozen kids in the Outer Hebrides, so the entire curriculum has to be altered to accommodate them. Terrorists attack London, so the country goes on lockdown and the laws get tweaked daily to fit the crimes we want to believe others might commit.

There seems to be - no, there definitely is - a belief that you can reach a level where you can please, or at least appease every single one of the fifty million people in the country. This is coupled with a complete ignorance of the logical fact that this is an impossibility. The saying goes that you can't please all the people all the time. Don't say that too loud in Westminster, though, or the Pentagon.

Just like in the states, the concept of personal responsibility is being eroded. If something bad happens, then it must be society to blame and therefore that bad element of society has to be excised. Crap! Utter bullshit! We are all responsible for our own actions. At the end of the day, we are not so gullible and brainwashed by the media that we can be absolved of all responsibility for our actions. Turning the face of the country into a bland PC-friendly state won't stop the bad things happening, it'll just mean that we're less well equipped to cope with the bad things when they happen.

I've said it before and I'll say it again - Government needs to leave us alone to get on with it and stop believing it can put everything right when it's farmed all its real power out to local assemblies, autonomous councils and market forces. They've given away eevry right they had to interfere with how our businesses are run and they never had a right to interfere with our own personal lives. With their desire to get everything right, they're getting more and more things wrong.

And the worst thing is that they don't realise - and they won't stop.

From the "If it's good enough for X, it's good enough for me" files:

Here's the deal - go to Musicoutfitters.com and put your high school graduation year into the search box. Out will pop the 100 best tunes of that year. Cross out the songs you hated, embolden the ones you liked, leave the ones you've forgotten or didn't care about.

Excellent waste of 15 minutes.

So here's 1989, when I left senior school. I left college in '92. I might do that one later, but 200 songs in a row would be a bit much!

1. Look Away, Chicago
2. My Prerogative, Bobby Brown
3. Every Rose Has Its Thorn, Poison
4. Straight Up, Paula Abdul
5. Miss You Much, Janet Jackson
6. Cold Hearted, Paula Abdul
7. Wind Beneath My Wings, Bette Midler
I cannot tell you how much I genuinely despise this song!

8. Girl You Know Its True, Milli Vanilli
9. Baby, I Love Your Way/Freebird, Will To Power
10. Giving You The Best That I Got, Anita Baker
11. Right Here Waiting, Richard Marx
12. Waiting For A Star To Fall, Boy Meets Girl
13. Lost In Your Eyes, Debbie Gibson
14. Don't Wanna Lose You, Gloria Estefan
15. Heavan, Warrant
16. Girl I'm Gonna Miss You, Milli Vanilli
17. The Look, Roxette
18. She Drives Me Crazy, Fine Young Cannibals
19. On Our Own, Bobby Brown
20. Two Hearts, Phil Collins
21. Blame It On The Rain, Milli Vanilli
22. Listen To Your Heart, Roxette
23. I'll Be There For You, Bon Jovi
24. If You Don't Know Me By Now, Simply Red
25. Like A Prayer, Madonna
26. I'll Be Loving You (Forever), New Kids On The Block
27. How Can I Fall?, Breathe
28. Baby Don't Forget My Number, Milli Vanilli
29. Toy Solider, Martika
30. Forever Your Girl, Paula Abdul
31. The Living Years, Mike and the Mechanics
32. Eternal Flame, The Bangles
33. Wild Thing, Tone Loc
34. When I See You Smile, Bad English
35. If I Could Turn Back Time, Cher
36. Buffalo Stance, Neneh Cherry
37. When I'm With You, Sheriff
38. Don't Rush Me, Taylor Dayne
39. Born To Be My Baby, Bon Jovi
40. Good Thing, Fine Young Cannibals
41. The Lover In Me, Sheena Easton
42. Bust A Move, Young M.C.
43. Once Bitten, Twice Shy, Great White
44. Batdance, Prince
45. Rock On, Michael Damian
46. Real Lov, Jody Watley
47. Love Shack, B-52's
48. Every Little Step, Bobby Brown
49. Hangin' Tough, New Kids On The Block
50. My Heart Can't Tell You No, Rod Stewart
51. So Alive, Love and Rockets
52. You Got It (The Right Stuff), New Kids On The Block
53. Armageddon It, Def Leppard
54. Satisfied, Richard Marx
55. Express Yourself, Madonna
56. I Like It, Dino
57. Soldier Of Love, Donny Osmond
58. Sowing The Seeds Of Love, Tears For Fears
59. Cherish, Madonna
60. When The Children Cry, White Lion
61. 18 And Life, Skid Row
62. I Don't Want Your Love, Duran Duran
63. Second Chances, .38 Special
64. The Way You Love Me, Karyn White
65. Funky Cold Medina, Tone Loc
66. In Your Room, Bangles
67. Miss You Like Crazy, Natalie Cole
68. Love Song, Cure
69. Secret Rendesvous, Karyn White
70. Angel Eyes, Jeff Healey Band
71. Patience, Guns N' Roses
72. Walk On Water, Eddie Money
73. Cover Girl, New Kids On The Block
74. Welcom To The Jungle, Guns N' Roses
75. Shower Me With Your Love, Surface
76. Stand, R.E.M.
77. Close My Eyes Forever, Lita Ford
78. All This Time, Tiffany
79. After All, Cher and Peter Cetera
80. Roni, Bobby Brown
81. Love In An Elevator, Aerosmith
82. Lay Your Hands On Me, Bon Jovi
83. This Promise, When In Rome
84. What I Am, Edie Brickell and The New Bohemians
85. I Remember Holding You, Boys Club
86. Paradise City, Guns N' Roses
87. Iwanna Have Some Fun, Samantha Fox
88. She Wants To Dance With Me, Rick Astley
89. Dreamin', Vanessa Williams
90. It's No Crime, Babyface
91. Poison, Alice Cooper
92. This Time I Know It's For Real, Donna Summer
93. Smooth Criminal, Michael Jackson
94. Heavan Help Me, Deon Estus
95. Rock Wit'cha, Bobby Brown
96. Thinking Of You, Sa-fire
97. What You Don't Know, Expose
98. Surrender To Me, Ann Wilson and Robin Zander
99. The End Of The Innocence, Don Henley
100. Keep On Movin', Soul II Soul

Jeez there's a lot of crossing out there. Most of 'em, like Donna Summer, New Kids and Bette Middler give me a genuine shudder of revulsion. Not many bolds in that lot. I blame the boy band invasion.

Shamelessly stolen from Mark - as most of my memes are.

In the past week, we've watched the entire first seasons of Deep Space Nine and Lost. 2Meg broadband is a blessing indeed!

Good to know that American TV can still churn out some good stuff now and again.

The lump on the puppy's head turned out to be an abscess.

One trip to the vets, five minutes squealing while mr vet squeezed all the gunk out, a quick injection and we're all back to normal and home again with a very hungry boy.

Worry over...

So here's the state of play - it's one week to Allison's sixth birthday, she goes back to school the day after that, Bethan may or may not be going back to nursery fulltime two days later and then on the Saturday, we're all off on our holidays.

Or we might all be off on our holidays.

Y'see, the puppies need looking after.

My parents can't have them as they're around 60 years old and full to the brim with their own concerns, her parents live too far away and it would cost us something like thirty quid in petrol to be sure they'd pop in every day, there's only one friend we trust to house-sit for us and we haven't heard off him for a week or more, so things are precariously up in the air. I haven't even started packing yet.

If the worst comes to the worst, Charlie will be staying at home while I take the two girls away for the week. Won't be much of a holiday for me or Charlie, but at least we'll have had a break.

On the plus side, my Gout's clearing up and we've bought some nice new sexy bedwear. Photos will not be forthcoming, I'm afraid - this stuff doesn't cover enough to make for public consumption...

I hate jumping through hoops. There's a natural inbuilt reaction that happens in my head each time I have to perform a certain set of actions in order to complete a task.

That's why I'm crap at Quake 2 and Adventure Games.

And now I discover that Blogger has added a new layer of security to its commenting process. Now you have to enter one of those annoying alphanumeric sequences in order to leave a simple comment.

I was feeling a bit abandoned and lonely because I don't get a lot of comments. Now I'm tempted to say "don't bother".

I blame the spammers.

Actually, I'm feeling a bit left out because I haven't suffered from comment spam.

How bad does a blog have to be that not even spammers like it?

I'm feeling a little vulnerable and unloved today.

Time for a change.

After almost two years as "Diary of a Hedgewitch", I've changed the Blog title to fit in with the imminent opening of my new business venture.

Just for now, I want to be cagey about things but soon enough the whole, terrible truth will revealed.

Until then I'm going to be busy as a bee, so what posting I have been doing will quite possibly dwindle to a minimum.

Eagle eyed readers will have noticed the post announcing my new address has disappeared. That's because it now points to what will be my corporate portal.

Y'know, much like Swiss Toni and Lord Bargain, I'm wondering how much depth to go into on my blog. Surprising as it may seem for someone who's kept a blog for 2 years, I can be quite secretive and don't use this as a forum to pour my heart out. Firstly I can't help wondering whether anyone will be interested and secondly, I don't really want to give out too much personal info.

Also, I can't seem to get the words onto the page lately. My fingers just don't want to do it. Hence all the captioned photos lately.

Well, you'll know what I've decided when I decide it.

And I'm getting bored of this template too.

And my gout's fucking agony again.

And the puppies won't stop moaning.

And one of them has developed a huge bump on its head.

And I have no idea how to finish this post...

YOUR PORN STAR NAME: (Name of first pet / Street you live on)

Tigger Woodmeadow

YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: (Name of your favorite snack food / Grandfather's first name)

Crisp James (How cool is that?)

YOUR FASHION DESIGNER NAME: (First word you see on your left / Favorite restaurant)

Give Bigwok (LOL)

EXOTIC FOREIGNER ALIAS: (Favorite Spice / Last Foreign Vacation Spot)

Garlic Wight

SOCIALITE ALIAS: (Silliest Childhood Nickname / Town Where You First Partied)

Seeds Birmingham (OK, that's crap)

FLY GIRL/BOY ALIAS (a la J. Lo): (First Initial / First Two or Three Letters of your Last Name)

H.Wi (Nope, that's not gonna work)

ICON ALIAS: (Something Sweet Within Sight / Any Liquid in Your Kitchen)

Ack, there's nothing sweet in sight! Erm, hang on, I'll go look in the kitchen...

Digestive Applesquash

DETECTIVE ALIAS: (Favorite Baby Animal / Where You Went to High School)

Kitten Cadbury

BARFLY ALIAS: (Last Snack Food You Ate / Your Favorite Alcoholic Drink)

Sarnie Beam

SOAP OPERA ALIAS: (Middle Name / Street Where You First Lived)

Phillip Edenhurst

ROCK STAR ALIAS: (Favorite Candy / Last Name Of Favorite Musician)

Snickers Clapton

YOUR STAR WARS NAME: ( First 2 letters of your first name and the first 3 Letters from your last name makes your first name. Take the first 2 letters of your mother's maiden name and the first 3 letters of the city you were born in)

Jeez, that's a lot of work to go to...

Nesut Mabir

Thanks to Katya for the meme.

Boop

Woop

Fzzz

WeEEoooOOooEEooo

Woop woop

Moog is dead, long live the Moog.

Nobody expects the Metropolitan Police Firearms Division!

I think I've found the Sale bargain of the week. Just look at the HUGE discount on this sucker!

I think it might be time to snap up a bargain!

(OK, so the Pier spoiled my joke. Yesterday, it was showing on their website as being reduced by all of one penny! They're so generous!)

Not much blogging going on lately, I know. Things are a bit fraught on the home front.

Hopefully things will get back to normal soon.

Meet our new arrivals.

Anyone want a puppy? You've got eleven to choose from.

Raking over old ground:

Take this with a pinch of salt, but according to "leaked" documents, including photos, most of what we've been told about the execution of Jean Charles de Menezes was in fact bullshit.

He didn't run into the Tube station, he didn't vault the ticket barrier, he wasn't wearing a heavy winter jacket and didn't have a bag. Allegedly.

I can't see how this incident won't find itself locked away under the 30-year secrecy rules.

Tonight has been "blast from the past" night.

I've just finished connecting our new PC to our LAN - It's an old Pentium 3 800Mhz I acquired when my Dad's work upgraded their systems. It's running windows 95!

I can only just remember where everything is, it's so basic! But after a bit of fiddling, digging out my old system CD and installing loads of things that were missing, I finally got it connected. Very chuffed.

Right now I'm trying to get tired ad failing miserably because I'm strung out on Whittards "Eat the bean" chocolate covered espresso coffee beans, which is why this post might seem a little bit...unfocussed.

Right now it's a tough call whether I'll still be awake next wednesday, or whether I'm about to collapse in a comatose heap.

I think maybe I'll stick to eating the rest - one at a time - for breakfast.

In other news, I still don't have a clue how to write my Business Plan down, but I'm kinda getting the information compiled slowly. I know what I want to say, it's just this damned mental blank every time I try and put it all on the screen. Oh well, onward and upward.

Now I have to press the "Publish" button to stop myself rambling on in caffeine fuelled delerium.

Just made myself a new ringtone for the old Nokia...

The Beat's "Tears of a clown"

I heard it today on the radio and I couldn't help bopping all over the place. Excellent summer tune.

(The link is to the actual mp3, but if you want the ringtone - in AMR format, 56k - just let me know and I'll give you the link)

This may be one of the reasons the crisis in Niger wasn't averted before christmas:

Niger President Mamadou Tanja has dismissed reports that his country is experiencing a famine.

"The people of Niger look well-fed, as you can see,"

Yeah, I see.

Down and Safe.

Phew. I watched the approach through the atmosphere and down onto the strip at Edwards Airforce Base. Slightly disappointing because I didn't realise it'd be pitch black at 7am in California in the middle of summer, but still, good to see they didn't blow up this time.

OK, yeah I know this is old news to some of you, but I really think Tony Blair's lost the plot now.

Secret court sittings? Treason laws invoked? What the fuck are we turning into?

You are a Self-Discoverer

You're not religious, but you've created your own kind of spirituality. Introspective and thoughtful, you tend to look inward for the divine. You are distrusting of all forms of organized religion. You especially dislike religious gurus and leaders, who you feel are charlatans.

What's Your Religious Philosophy?

Well, the first bit's fine, but I think it's assuming a little too much with that last sentence.

How You Life Your Life

You are honest and direct. You tell it like it is. You tend to avoid confrontation and stay away from sticky situations. You prefer a variety of friends and tend to change friends quickly. You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable.

How Do You Live Your Life?

S'pose...Except I don't tend to worry.

Your Career Type: Social

You are helpful, friendly, and trustworthy. Your talents lie in teaching, nursing, giving information, and solving social problems. You would make an excellent: Counselor - Dental Hygienist - Librarian Nurse - Parole Officer - Personal Trainer Physical Therapist - Social Worker - Teacher The worst career options for your are realistic careers, like truck driver or farmer.

What's Your Ideal Career?

Wild horses woulnd't get me ner a dentist, but considering what I actually do, I think that just about covers the bases. I always wanted to be a teacher, anyway.

Part Passionate Kisser

For you, kissing is about all about following your urges If someone's hot, you'll go in for the kiss - end of story You can keep any relationship hot with your steamy kisses A total spark plug - your kisses are bound to get you in trouble

Part Expert Kisser

You're a kissing pro, but it's all about quality and not quantity You've perfected your kissing technique and can knock anyone's socks off And you're adaptable, giving each partner what they crave When it comes down to it, your kisses are truly unforgettable

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

I'd go along with that...

I've had a plan for a while to start a separate blog based on the premise of one of my favourite radio shows.

So do drop in and have a peek at quirky news stories from around the interweb at "It's Been A Bad Week"

"Heavenly father in Pagan Approval bombshell"

So, Dan Brown didn't copy his bestselling-soon-to-be-movie "Da Vinci Code" from a Lewis Perdue novel.

Let's look at the evidence, and some reviews of Perdue's novels: The Da Vinci Legacy and Daugher of God, then I'll leave it up to you, dear reader, to decide.

In recognition of the fact that I still haven't actually had a driving lesson despite booking four:

Make your own license plate

The question not-quite on the lips of newshounds around the world today is:

"So, is Michael Jackson moving to Bahrain or not?"

Yeah, it's a slow news day.

Oh yeah, here's a quick question for Lord Bargain, laundry afficionado:

Sleeping bags: To iron or not to iron?

Robin Cook
1946 - 2005

Shame, I always liked him. He reminded me of my old History teacher.

Courtesy of the Error Message Generator

Here's a story to keep watching:

A 62-year-old man and two sisters have been found shot dead at a flat on a north-west London estate.

A nine-month-old baby, also found at the Stonebridge Park flat in Wembley, was uninjured but covered in blood.

How horriffic is that? My first thoughts on reading what little is in the BBC and Sky News articles is that it was a revenge killing, or gang related, or some other kind of execution. Absolutely terrible. Imagine being that kid .

Seventy two visitors today, which puts me over the 5,000 visitor threshold. Chuffed to bits!

So what's the magic formula that's sent my stats mad today? Well it seems that the "Next Blog" button has been kind to me today. All roads seem to lead to hedgey, and I ain't complaining.

Welcome one and all!

And in other news, today is the 60th anniversary of the A-bombing of Hiroshima. In a complete change from the norm, allow me to quote a song...

"Enola Gay, should have stayed at home yesterday"

Bloody internet banking.

Charlie gets Child Tax Credit paid into her account every Friday, which pays the Nursery fees and ensures we have enough aside to do the weekly grocery shopping. Lloyds online banking updates its records at around 11pm, which means that the money shows up sometime before midnight and if we ned some cash first thing, I can pop to the bank half a mile away and draw it out before bed.

Usually.

Tonight has been different. It's 1:30 and still no sign of it. Which means one of two things:

1) Lloyds has sneakily changed the time of it's system update or
2) The Inland Revenue people have fucked up

So in the hope that it's number 1, I'm in for a late night, refreshing the account balance page in the hope that it's not number 2, which would suck and which would mean I have to walk Bethan to nursery - probably in the pissing rain - in the morning, then phone round the family for a loan so we can eat on Sunday.

Grr, Boo, Hiss and bollocks!

On a lighter note, Mark and Ellen have chosen today to get married. Here's wishing them the best of luck and a long, happy marriage!

Mark's brother Graham is doing the DJing and has dissappointingly turned down my suggestion of playing "Agadoo" and Squeeze's "Up the Junction". Can't think why.

* * *

Update @ 3:45am: Finally Lloyds gets its finger out. Phew!

I can go to sleep now...

I stopped watching Big Brother about three weeks ago because I basically couldn't bear this person anymore. Transference, paranoia, intense jealousy are just a few of his nicer traits.

I watched in disbelief as he consistently accused others in the Big Brother house of having the vile character traits that he has and as he works his brainwashing control over the supremely tolerant Anthony, who is surely due for a medal, or sainthood.


In his audition tape he promised to be a hardcore bitch who took no prisoners. What he actually turned into is a brainwashing, self-obsessed, snivelling control freak. And do I remember correctly that he's actually denied being gay?? What a credit to the community.

Please read this and consider donating using the DEC logo on the sidebar.

As 2.5 million people in Niger struggle to survive in the face of acute food shortages the UK’s best known charities have announced today that they are joining forces to appeal to the public for help. The Disasters Emergency Committee (DEC) Niger Crisis Appeal opens for telephone and online donations today, with TV and radio appeals launching on Tuesday 2 August.

According to the Red Cross, a potentially fatal combination of drought and a locust plague has left almost 8 million people at risk of hunger in Niger, Mali, Mauritania and Burkina Faso – one of the most neglected and poorest regions in the world. Money raised by the Appeal will enable agencies to deliver aid where it is needed most in the region.

This is a disaster that could have been avoided. Before Christmas, the aid agencies asked for just four million to help Niger counter the effects of the drought and locust plague. They were ignored. We were too busy shouting at eight men to help eight million people survive through 2005.

I hope everyone noticed this extreme case of sour grapes last week:

Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Ian Blair spoke on the BBC's Question Time special, condemning the "risk" West Midlands Police had taken in using Tasers in their apprehension of wannabe Suicide Bomber Yasin Hassan Omar last Wednesday.

"If there is a bomb on that body, then the bomb is going to go off...It may have been that they [officers in Birmingham] were clear there wasn't a bomb. I don't know what the situation was. There is only one way to stop someone who is a suicide bomber which is to kill that person."

The next day, West Midlands Police issued a statement defending themselves:

"Every situation in which firearms are deployed is unique. The shooting of Mr De Menezes in London and the arrest of Yasin Hassan Omar in Birmingham may appear similar but they were separate incidents. The information and intelligence would have been different, the threat levels to officers and the public was different."

So, what does this all mean? It means of course that the Met wanted the collar and there's a certain amount of sour grapes down at Scotland Yard that the yokels up in Brum managed to get to one of the Bombers first.

No matter that the information Mr Fucktard Omar gave led to the arrest of the other bombers. No matter that it was just after dawn, all reports suggest that a backpack was thrown out of a window before Omar was Tasered, that obviously the West Midlands Police are actually a professional body and don't need the Met Commissioner telling them what to do without being in full possession of the facts. In short, I bet most of West Mids Polce were telling Sir Ian to fuck off by lunchtime last Thursday.

Did you also notice all the crowing that was done when the other three were actually arrested? Did you notice the pride in the announcements that this was the largest armed operation that the Met has ever conducted?

Because of course only London is allowed to deal with Terrorists and everyone else should just butt out, obviously.

Wouldn't have happened thirty years ago, when the Police was run by the Masons. Would have been a pat on the back and a promotion back then. Sometimes I wonder what benefit the purges of the 70's have actually had.

* * * UPDATED because I found some links! * * *